Blog entry for:

through the program, i can surrender myself into the care of a HIGHER POWER.
what is going through my mind this morning? well a bit of disappointment that although my will is to run, my body is telling me to take a day off, and it is not even raining! a bit of gratitude, that this weekend i do not have 16 hours of work to catch-up on, and i have enough work to pay all my bills and get a ahead for a change. a bit of concern about how my assertive letter will play with my potential old new sponsee. and a bit of fatigue after a lousy night of sleep. all in all, just another day in the life. so why am i hesitating about jumping into a THIRD STEP blog? well maybe i am a retrograde recovering addict, BUT what i heard after i dove down below the surface all had to do with STEP ONE.
so with little fanfare, after getting here the long way let me attempt to put down into bits and bytes, what is going on in my head. as i sit here multitasking i see why STEP ONE is where i am this morning. anytime i hear the word surrender, i feel fear. that fear however, is disguised and morphed into something that looks like rebellion, so i can demonstrate how fearless i really am. fear you say, yes IF I SURRENDER TO THE PART OF ME THAT IS ADDICTION, HOW CAN I RECOVER? that FEAR is my constant companion, regardless of how long i have been clean. some days it is quieter than others, but it never is really gone. with that constant background noise, it is easy to spot why making the THIRD STEP decision is something this addict has to make a conscious choice to do on a daily basis. it is sometimes depressing to me, how i can live day after day and still not have internalized the whole FIRST STEP surrender gig. intellectually and spiritually i see the need to surrender to addiction, emotionally i cling to the pipe dream that this is all just a phase that with enough time i will grow out of. all the other surrenders of the steps spring from this basic one, and this is the point where my rebellion starts, where the sophistry commences and where my delusions of what may be get really rolling.
when i let go of my FEAR, and walk into my day with a bit of courage, i can and do feel connected to SOMETHING beyond me, SOMETHING with REAL power and SOMETHING that CAN provide for all my needs. then and only then can i surrender my will and my life into the care of that SOMETHING and allow what needs to happen, to happen. so yes the plan i had for today, that i formulated before i drifted into the abyss provided by Morpheus, needs alteration. even though i do not desire to alter it, i will as i have decided that my FEAR be damned, full steam ahead into this day, allowing myself to be guided by the POWER that has and still does provide for me everything that i need to survive and thrive today. i can willingly do what is required and see where i go today. right now, that is into the shower and off to the real world. life is good this morning and i am willing to let go and allow it to happen,

∞ DT ∞