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when i do not, i feel vulnerable and defeated. of course, the reading was speaking about life in active addiction and not in active recovery, or was it? self-will and my desire to control the outcomes of events in my tiny slice of the world is still part of my repertoire of less than stellar behaviors. so as i sit here on my first day of driving down as an option, instead of a requirement to work, i have to pause and reflect on my actions over the past few weeks.
i truly did every thing i could do, to rush the process of getting my remote access set-up, and in the long run, what did i really accomplish? i still have to be in the office at least today and tomorrow. has i waited, would the results been any different? i have two sponsees who i have not heard from in weeks and two that have relapsed, when IF i had my way, would be walking the straight and narrow of a meeting a day, every day, for the next 90 days. i have desktop loaded with side jobs that i did not have in my brief hiatus from full-time work and i am talking with another company about a real full-time job, with benefits and paid time off. of course i want it all, and yet when i have it all, i still want more. going back to my post of a few days ago, it sounds eerily like a symptom of active addiction only money, power and prestige have replaced drugs. with that thought in mind, i guess i am not truly in remission, just a cessation or arresting of my most imagining symptoms. dang it all, and i wanted to be cured!
this morning, i am a bit anxious. i have to get an emissions check, so i can tag my car, and i am not certain my car will pass. it should, after all, there is nothing wrong with it, but i am always nervous hitting CleanAir Colorado. i am also stressed about a couple of fires i have smoldering, that will certainly consume more time than i am willing to give them to extinguish them completely. all the time i still want more and have started to detect the old con artist and master manipulator in action again.
what to do? relax, breathe deep and hit the showers, focusing on FAITH that the POWER that fuels my recovery has my back and all i have to do is let go. the relapsers will either get it or not. my AWOL sponsees, will either check-in or not. all i have to do, is the next right thing and allow myself to be carried along in the will of that POWER, the ONE that fuels my recovery and everything will be okay. yes the key here is surrender, dang it and i think i will.

∞ DT ∞