Blog entry for:

when others share honestly with me who they are, i feel free to do the same. self-disclosure, however, is only the beginning.
but it quite a beginning. this whole honestly sharing who i am concept, is something i learned to avoid when i was in active addiction and something i tried disparately to avoid at various times in my recovery. "after all," the old voice screamed, whispered or caustically remarked, " if anyone ever finds out who you really are, no one will ever come close to you again!"
i know that voice comes from the well of shame, i have over what i did to meet my daily needs in active addiction. in fact, long before i ever picked up, i knew i was different, and if i wanted to be a part of anything i had to show how conforming i was to the group i wished to be a part of. so the part of me that holds my self-image, is a slow learner when it comes to be accepted for who i am by those in my life, and even slower when it comes to accepting myself.
the reading goes on to suggest a course of action to further my journey on the path to self-acceptance. that is simply work the steps! basically it says deal with it, and here is the way in which that can happen. nothing complicated, expensive or resource consuming, just work the steps, to the best of your ability, and the rest will follow. the most amazing part of this whole suggestion, is that i have evidence that it works. i look at some of the members who have gone down this path before me, and those who actively live this program, certainly have the appearance of accepting themselves. i also know, that as i work through and live the steps to the best of my ability, self-acceptance becomes easier and easier every day. so these days i have a counter for that nasty little voice that arises from the keeper of my shame -- i call my sponsor, call another addict, do my current step work assignment or go to a meeting, whatever it takes to foil the purpose of that part of me i call my addict, who is after all the master of my shame. once i realized who kept the keys to that well, i was on my way to finding the means to drain that well, and remove its pain when it happens to get opened again. so anyhow, i would love to wax poetically of the image i now have created about my well of shame, it sort of looks like the well of souls as depicted in Raiders of the Lost Ark, but a whole lot deeper and full of a whole lot nastier snakes and other things. needless to say, i am certainly grateful i have the mens to empty that well by draining it dry. the steps are the means to that end and the outcome is self-acceptance. so off to face the real world and see what i can accomplish today!

∞ DT ∞