Blog entry for:

about myself, is still, a **hit or miss** proposition. i am as willing to maximize and live in hyperbole, as i am to minimize and live a **secret** shame-filled life. as i see more and more on how the ruling party is handling the allegations about their “Fearless leader,” i was hit smack dab in the face by a quote from Carl Sandburg: “If the facts are against you, argue the law. If the law is against you, argue the facts. If the law and the facts are against you, pound the table and yell like hell”
my court is not the House of Representatives, but is certainly the court of popular opinion in my local fellowship. as much as i try to pretend i am above the fray of “pandering” to the crowd, when i choose to share, the fact is, i am always looking around the ro0om for the reactions of my peers and doing my level best to garner some response from them. i decide what the facts are, or are not as the case may be, tailor those facts to fit the perception i want to create and see how well it works. the internal machinations that go on inside my head, would make Machiavelli quite proud.
it all boils down the that ancient tale of woe, that i have accepted as the “TRUTH” for so long, that somehow i am either better or worse than everyone else and if anyone ever found that out i would fade into the sunset a broken, bitter and lonely soul. this round of steps, seems to be bring up those stories more and more and even starting to provide me the means to deflate their influence on my behavior. as i prepare to head on over to my home group, i can be certain that IF i allow the POWER to fuel my recovery, to act in my life, i will NOT smoke that $3000 cigar, nor will i be miserable about making that choice. IF i allow that POWER to work, i will see that i am not unlike my peers and that if i want to be esteemed and respected by them, i need to esteem and respect myself. the path to that outcome, has to come from letting go of my secret shame and accepting that i am who i am, an addict who is in recovery, learning how to do this gig, just for today.

∞ DT ∞