Blog entry for:

i learn to accept myself. as i sit here getting ready to commute to work, and yes i still commute, even though it is from one keyboard and mouse to another, i am now going to be good about keeping each part of my career at home separate. after two days of snow, i am grateful i am not fighting traffic to head to work. i know the roads are only slick in spots, but today, i am not one of the thousands who will be in their cars crawling along the interstates to earn their daily bread.
i have often written about the process of coming to accept and yes after a while even believe in myself, so although germane to my writing this morning, it is not a topic i need to explore with any depth. what i heard this morning, and what is on my head, is how can i take what i have learned and come to accept about myself, and give it to others who are going through the exact same process. i know sponsorship and open sharing in meetings are a couple of the ways i can give it away, but sometimes it feels like i am casting pearls before the swine, to borrow an ancient but apt metaphor. just as my addiction kept me ignorant and incapable about seeing the truth about who i am, so it keeps others from seeing themselves as they are today. the sponsee on his way to yet another stint in DOC, is a case in point. although his consequence for not believing in himself is the same as it ever was, he gets another chance, and for that i am grateful. i do understand how difficult it is for me to detach myself from the value judgements i make about myself. those judgements, although spot on, most of the time, these days, can be and are used by my addiction to keep me in thrall to the future, by dwelling on my past. ironically, when i look at my past, even the part of my past in recovery, there are more than a few incidents, behaviors and thoughts that are far from making me proud to be just who i am. my life in active recovery is far from saint-like, and is certainly far from demon-like, today and yet it is those extremes that color my perception of who i am. learning to live in the shades of gray and not in the black and white is the path to self-acceptance for me. just as my sponsee fails to believe in himself, i see the same attitude reflected in myself. ironically, it was a friend who said that i was not only qualified for my latest position, but had every confidence that i would get the chance to have this job. he believed in me, long before i could believe in myself,in this instance, and that is what i see the road to recovery becoming for me. it is the only PATH, for this addict to become the man and human that i have always dreamed of becoming. i can and will believe that i can be more than i ever was, one day at a time. as i walk through today, i will remember that i have made a choice today: to live a life in active recovery. that choice allows me to be more than i ever was, and who knows, become the man i am proud to be.
anyhow work is on the other 'puter waiting for me to do the next right thing which is to write some code in my jammies. it is a good day to be on the road to accepting myself, just as i am.

∞ DT ∞