Some memes

through applying the Twelve Steps of recovery and my experience has been that this is certainly true. one might argue, however that there are parts of the steps that do everything they can to tear an addict down, and i would not argue against that assertion at all. what i need was a process that ripped apart my wall of denial and isolation, what felt like a destructive process, was only a phase in the constructive process of the steps. it was not until i was capable of seeing who i was, that i ever could start the process of accepting myself. yes, i hear lots of whining about how much pain working the steps cause, and how much time and effort they take, and even, and this one i my favorite, i plan on being clean the rest of my life, so i have NO NEED TO WORK THE STEPS WITH ANY SENSE OF URGENCY. my experience has been, that when i do not work the steps, my pain, my misery and yes my self-acceptance increases and i suffer. each and every time i get to that place i wail about how something i was, and why oh why did allow stuff to get so bad. the truth is i do listen to how much effort it takes, i do get into a mode where i am lazy and i allow myself to slip back into the muck of untreated disease. plain and simple, it is not anyone else's fault but mine. that does not make that realization any less bitter, but it does place the blame where it belongs.
so if there is a tearing apart of who i am, as a process of working the steps, how on earth can i trust that in the long run i will walk out with any self-acceptance? my experience is that nature abhors a void. so the despair and hopelessness i feel as a result of STEP ONE will be replaced with the HOPE inherent in STEP TWO, or by a return to active addiction. the shame and anger i expose in STEP FOUR is replaced with understanding and acceptance when i share it with my sponsor in STEP FIVE. the disgust i feel with myself as i look at my defects of character in STEP SIX are replaces with their spiritual opposites as i surrender them and their attendant behaviors in STEP SEVEN. the mistakes that i make on a daily basis, can be corrected by STEP TEN and the list of examples go on and on. as i progress through the steps, i become more of the person i have always wanted to be. that self-assured man i played in active addiction was only a façade to cover the scared little boy that i was. that scared little boy still exists, but day by day step by step he is growing into the man i have always dreamed of becoming. i accept that i am human. i accept that i have work to do. and most of all, i can accept myself just as i am today, that work in progress, coming from a place of darkness and learning how top live in the light of active recovery.
so while the wind is calmed down, i do believe i will take the opportunity to do my morning workout, as i am not well enough to run against 60 MPH wind gusts. it is a great day to do my step work and continue the process of learning to thrive.

∞ DT ∞

To Carrie S - the world is little emptier today with your tragic passing -- God Speed on your final journey