Blog entry for:

the disciplines of recovery into my daily life, was hardly what i thought i was signing up for, when i finally got clean and decided that possibly i needed a program of recovery. no what i thought i was signing up for was the ways and means not to use drugs until my life “got” manageable. 🤣 honesty, open-mindedness and willingness were not on the top of my “to be”l list and i was far from ready to reveal my true nature to anyone, even those i had come to trust. in my experience, that led to heartbreak and pain, and i believed i certainly had, had my fill of that. i know that may still be the case today, but i am willing to accept that possibility, as i am unwilling to accept a return to where i came from.
the past twenty-four, have been interesting, i met with a man who once called me his sponsor, fired me and asked me to return to that relationship, after he came back from relapse. i am not really sure he is “over” trying to prove he is not an addict, but if he is diligent in what i have asked him to do, i may get a clue or three about his willingness and his “new” set of facts that comprise his truth. i certainly have no doubts about what i am and where i may be going, as i KNOW i am an addict and i am walking a path of recovery, in the here and now. the denial; that kept me sick for nearly a quarter century of my recovery journey, is no longer a part of my daily thoughts and i have moved into a place of being myself, whether or not anyone likes that person or thinks he is worthwhile. i know i am worthy of respecting and loving myself, exactly as i am, and self-acceptance is no longer eludes me.
today in my home group, i met a man who was coming out of the fog, after taking Kratom. in fact he shared his habit cost him $150 per day. i have known a few people who have used that substance, but never saw someone taken down by it. there was once a day when i would have classed that substance as something else, but i am no longer a believer in placing substances or behaviors in a hierarchy as once upon a time in the fellowship there was a screaming argument about which drug, one that was physically addicting or one that was “just” mentally addicting. but marijuana was not even in that spectrum because it could not be injected. ironically in those days i had all the answers and was part of the battle of the bads. today i see how silly those argument were and of the belief that no substance is any worse than another., they are simply all verboten to me by choice.
today, i do not live in a land of “do nots” or deprivation. i CHOOSE to be clean and i choose to live the program of recovery i have been given to the best of my ability. choosing means i take responsibility and no matter how attractive living responsibility free has often looked, i know that is just me, spinning a lifestyle that i really do not desire into something it is not, PURE HELL! i will be clean until i go to bed tonight and more than likely CHOOSE to what i need to do, to stay clean again tomorrow. after all, i end of like the life i am living today.

∞ DT ∞