Blog entry for:

about myself today, is a product of the work i have done in my journey through active recovery. what i share here and in meetings, is always a reflection of how i see myself in that moment. even when my ego is screaming to say something, because i see something i judge to be “wrong,” i know that will quickly pass, after all, i am far from a good and impartial arbiter of “proper sharing,” or stellar behavior. sure i could tell one of my peers that his excuse for smothering newcomers because the “women won't” talk to them, is a convenient smokescreen. quite honestly i see it as creepy and have commented on nit several times, so i have heard his whole song and dance about how he is doing out of “concern” for the newcomer and i have to take him at his word, even though i do not see his words matching his actions. it is what it is.
i have committed to a service position that is a real challenge for me and i am trying to rationalize my way out of doing it. the issue is not the nature of the commitment, but the physical conditions, namely the “smell.” last night i passed out key tags and had to overcome my aversion to allow myself to actually hug one of the participants, even though internally i was cringing. the fact that i did so, does not make me a “better” person, but it demonstrates to me, where my less than stellar attitude are still in need of being adjusted. it was not hypocritical to hug a person i have an aversion to, just because they lack hygiene nor is it my place to shout down a newcomer that is struggling to see that alcohol is a drug and with less than two weeks since their last drink, they need to take a white key tag and not an orange one. i can see that i NEED to continue living up to this service commitment, because it makes me uncomfortable and pull back on the one that is so familiar and comfortable that i lack any “edge,” at all.
what i am feeling this morning, is that IF i want to grow, then i NEED to let go of the lies i tell myself that prevent me from seeing what those around me, can already see. i NEED to allow myself to do the next right thing, such as admitting i was wrong, even when it feels awkward and uncomfortable. today i do not need to hide the fact that i have an EGO or that i am strongly opinionated about what is right and what is wrong. i need not allow myself to follow the sheep into the ribbons of steel and end up as mutton for the gain of others. the balance i feel within, needs to become familiar to me. that balance that is a the product of my growing self-acceptance is still far too fresh for me to figure out where it is leading me. more and more i feel less and less than having to bringing the hammer down on those who, in my not so humble opinion, requiter a sever beating about their spiritual head and shoulders. just for today, i think i will allow them to traipse down any path they choose to take and if they are not causing harm to others, let them discover their way back to sanity, at least that is what i am looking for these days, the path back to sanity.

∞ DT ∞