Blog entry for:

that make me uncomfortable are the very things i need to share, the problem is, those are the very things i was taught to hide. this is not an exercise in the blame game, as the starting conditions i entered my life with, are the exact same for millions of other humans, addicted and those who are not. they like me, were taught by culture to believe certain things about how we face the world, what we show to others and how we defend ourselves from the inevitable onslaught of the less than scrupulous. that just is. with that set of circumstances, i could easily shift the whole needing to hide who i am, from everyone off to culture and walk away, after all, if everyone does it, how can it be wrong. nothing to see here, these weren't the ideas one was looking for, move along.
the problem with shifting the blame and walking away, as handy as it may seem to me, is that i do not get any better, nor do i find any acceptance of who and what i am. i just cower in the dark and do my best to insure no one ever sees what a coward i really am. opening up and telling on myself takes courage, and it takes a certain amount of letting go of one of my most favorite activities., judging myself through the eyes of others. the literature clearly states that i was in need of personality change, and that change can only be manifest through working the steps. for me, that means doing my level best to live the steps each and every day, and to recognize where i fall short and implement a plan through those very same steps, to do better in the future. as i see some struggling to stay clean for any length of time, i have to wonder what it is that they see in falling down and smashing themselves to pieces, time and again. then i have to remember that, once upon a time, that was me. not that i had any desire to stay clean, back in those days, nor did i even think that using and or the substances i was using were a problem. nope, not me, not here, not in this house. coming to terms with what and who i am, is a process that could only happen when i stayed clean for multiple days in a row, regardless of the “why.” today i feel a sense of gratitude that i did white-knuckle my way through the dark days of early recovery and kept coming back clean.
so if i cannot shift the blame of wanting to hide who i am, on to my culture, than what am i supposed to do? the simple answer is see it for what it is, a smoke-screen and decide whether or not i want to be ruled by my culturing today, in all aspects of my life. the answer is no longer am i satisfied just getting by and trying to hide behind the shield of “see what you made me do!” conceding defeat to cultural pressures is also what i am not all about today. no sir, today i am all about becoming the sort of person i only write about, genuine, whole and self-assured. that means i let you in on the parts of me, that i once tried my utmost to hide. that means i allow myself to get attached to others and feel the pain, when the scrape along the bottom, coming in and out and more beat up every time they come back. that means that accepting the pain that attachment may bring is not a bad or weak thi9ng to do. what i once believed to be true, especially about how i behave and who i show myself to, is no longer the case. l;ife is, well life is far more complicated than the archetype of the all American male image i was cultured into to emulating. today i succeed by trying and seeing what needs to be changed and fVck the FEAR i feel in the admission that i did not achieve my goals.
anyhow, time to wrap this polemic up and head on down to work. life today or should i say my life today is more than just me and a job. i have learned that i am not my job, but my job does provide me all the creature comforts i have come to enjoy. it si after all a good day to let go of what i was and embrace what i can become.

∞ DT ∞