Blog entry for:

i need to find a different way to live -- and this is where the steps come in. those nasty, pernicious steps that everyone is always talking about, seriously how is a bunch of steps really going to make me change into something i do not want to be? that attitude almost killed me, as it was the attitude i had, when i came into the program, it was the attitude that persisted through my first thirteen months of recovery even as i completed my first set of steps way back then. i know today, that first set of steps was going through the motions to comply with the wishes of the outside forces that were in charge of my life. i may have received a bit of relief from that set, but honestly i did not really feel that much better after that first set, and up until now, that was one of the mysteries of my recovery. i looked better, i sounded better, however all i was doing was acting better. whether that sham was detectable by anyone close or not is not the question for me today, i fooled myself into thinking i was better, in fact i almost convinced myself over the course of the next several months that i had this whole addict thing sussed and i was ready to move into an advanced program -- using with control. the only thing that stopped that natural progression was the fact that my fate was in the hands of judges and probation officers, and the only way i saw out of that predicament was to continue walking the path i was on. which meant, way back then, becoming just an ordinary addict, who finds his recovery in the rooms of the fellowship that has become my home. i got a sponsor in this fellowship and we worked the steps, and the amazing thing that happened in my life, is that i received a change of heart and the desire to stay clean became of paramount importance. i wanted to FEEL clean as well as BE clean.
so where has all of this led me? well today i am waiting on my sponsor so i can work my twelfth step and move on. i have a desire to continue the genuine change that the my step working process has started. although the process is not without its ups and downs, i am still grateful for the changes that it has brought to the person who walked into the rooms all those days ago. that first set of steps, really did provide some relief to me, as shallow and insincere as they were, and perhaps that little bit of relief was the impetus of my desire to become more than i was on that day over twelve years ago when i i completed that step cycle. or perhaps not. all i know that today, working steps is something i NEED to do and i am confused by any member who hangs around and does not work steps, as they are missing out on a life that could be so much more.
so it is off to the streets, then a flu shot and who knows what else this day will bring! i do know that the desire to move on is building within, and it is an exercise of patience that i sit here and allow the process to complete. recovery is, after all, a process of continuous change -- it is up to me to decide which direction the change goes.

∞ DT ∞