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i can freely tell the truth about myself, because i no longer have nothing to hide.so sitting here after convention i am struck, and yes stuck by a sense of what is it that i may be missing in my life today. one of the most distributing things i heard over the course of a weekend was the refrain: “that throwing twenty years at something is long enough, especially since i am not getting what i want.” the convention carried a message to me that spoke to counter that argument, that what i want is not necessarily what i need, so here is sit, trying to reconcile two different viewpoints in my head and not doing very well, dealing with either one. unfortunately for me, both fit today and yet i am not willing to wear either one, very comfortably.
so like a good addict i sit and spin, and to be sick, physically, does not help me feel any more secure or wise. there is a meme in the rooms, not to leave before the miracle happens. it is generally said to the newest of the new and most of time refers to the miracle of having the desire to use, removed. after that happens, what's next? well the miracle that i seem to be waiting for, is the desire to lead a balanced life, to be restored to me. i saw continuous examples of how that may look for my peers, and most of the time i feel it for myself. part of the problem, is that i pushed everything ahead of myself, and all of a sudden i feel less worthy of doing absolutely nothing, of wasting away a day, even when i feel like crap. even now, as i write this, i am wondering if frittering away several hours playing my game, is really what i need to do today and the answer i keep getting is NO i have stuff to do. in fact the more i think about doing squat, the more i think that i SHOULD be doing something productive. so right here and right now, i say FVCK IT, and a gaming i will go. after all, i do DESERVE to be good to myself!

∞ DT ∞