Blog entry for:

self-acceptance.
so yes, i changed the seed to a less, definitive and certainly more general statement. i DO NOT care for absolutes, except when they can be demonstrated logically and rationally, or there is a preponderance of evidence supporting their existence, hence my resistance to all things spiritual. that being said, for me, an active program of recovery has been THE path to self-acceptance, but that may not be true for anyone else.
when i was noodling around the edges of recovery, i never fit in, i was either “better” or “less” than every i saw in the rooms. my judgement machine was operating at top efficiency and at full power. the excuses for what i did, seemed rational at the time, and i was certainly a victim of all those in the rooms, it was after all their fault that i was an addict.
spreading my recovery across two fellowships, only made it worse, as now i did not belong to either one, nor was i likely to. i could be what i needed to be, depending on what fellowship i happened to be sitting in, and what day of the week it was. it really was not that different from active addiction for me, just far fewer roles to play. i was still alone. i was still unique. i was a man without a country and that suited me just fine, after all there was very little direct evidence that this mumbo-jumbo, hocus-pocus stuff was going to work.
today i can plainly say, that not only does recovery work, there is absolutely NO mystery to it. everything i need to know is written down and approved by the fellowship. no trendy new age sort of notions. no therapists, or holistic healing and no coercion from others telling me that this IS that path to salvation.. each and every step i have taken in the program, has shown me a practical manner in which it could be applied to my life, even those GOD steps. along the way, i have actually begun to see who i really am, and even better began to tolerate and yes, accept that man as he is today. stripping away the obfuscation and metaphors, i see that i am an addict, PERIOD. i may be grateful, recovering or any of a number of adjectives, but for me, ti bury what i am, under a pile of words, is the same as those days when i was an addict and a __________ . today, i have enough self-acceptance, so i need not hide under a pile of terms, trying to disguise what feels unacceptable to me. the mystery to me, is why i was so unwilling or scared to dive into the program, way back when. what was it about me, that i did not want to be revealed? today, i still do not know the answer to that question and that has become a moot point. i am what i am, as Popeye once said, and what i am is a human being, a man, who is an addict as well as a whole lot of other things. today, while outside validation is nice, i no longer structure my life around getting it. today, well today i am,, walking a path of active recovery, carrying the steps into my daily life and leaving the results up to the POWER that fuels my recovery, that is, untoil i walk the door 😉.
it is time, however to head on out to that real world and carry what i believe out with me. no beams of light or angelic choirs accompany me, as i know that is not who i am, at least not yet, just for today.

∞ DT ∞