π i have π
Posted: Thu, Oct 26, 2017 07:49:23 AM
nothing to hide and as i walk this path of recovery, becoming a person i am proud to be, seems to be the result. i do not have to worry about how others **portray** me, nor do i see anything that anyone says about my actions, behaviors and attitudes as **fake news,** to borrow a trope or two from the POTUS. i may not be him, and i certainly do not claim to have any particular inside knowledge, but his actions and words remind me of a time in my life, where i lived in a house built on lies.
when i was using and for quite some time in recovery, looking better than i was actually doing, was my daily goal. any challenge to that “image,” needed to be responded to, quickly, loudly and with brutal force, lest someone discover that it was all the sham they may have thought it was. i lived in a world of constant defense against attackers to that façade and to repulse the barbarians at the gate, i needed to change the story, over and over and over again. when confronted with incontrovertible evidence of my less than honest manner of living, i would spin and manipulate that evidence so it was always some else's fault and one could not believe their own eyes, as for certain, it had been taken out of context, a distortion of the “true” meaning of what “really” occurred.
all of thsi behavior, at least min my case, was due to my lack of any self-esteem. i was dependent upon the adoration of the crowds and shifted into whatever form i needed to be, to get that attention, until it grew to tiring and i retreated into my fortress of solitude to use by myself. the steps, have shown me, that if i cannot be myself, i will be in a forever tango of misrepresentation of who i am and “fake news.” unlike many politicians, i no longer try to sweep my behavior under the carpet by calling it a mischaracterization of what i think, and their days of doing so are fast coming to an end. just because i say it is not so, does not make not so. so it is time to pack this one in, see if i can be a decent person at work and earn the $1.50 they pay me to do so, just for today.
when i was using and for quite some time in recovery, looking better than i was actually doing, was my daily goal. any challenge to that “image,” needed to be responded to, quickly, loudly and with brutal force, lest someone discover that it was all the sham they may have thought it was. i lived in a world of constant defense against attackers to that façade and to repulse the barbarians at the gate, i needed to change the story, over and over and over again. when confronted with incontrovertible evidence of my less than honest manner of living, i would spin and manipulate that evidence so it was always some else's fault and one could not believe their own eyes, as for certain, it had been taken out of context, a distortion of the “true” meaning of what “really” occurred.
all of thsi behavior, at least min my case, was due to my lack of any self-esteem. i was dependent upon the adoration of the crowds and shifted into whatever form i needed to be, to get that attention, until it grew to tiring and i retreated into my fortress of solitude to use by myself. the steps, have shown me, that if i cannot be myself, i will be in a forever tango of misrepresentation of who i am and “fake news.” unlike many politicians, i no longer try to sweep my behavior under the carpet by calling it a mischaracterization of what i think, and their days of doing so are fast coming to an end. just because i say it is not so, does not make not so. so it is time to pack this one in, see if i can be a decent person at work and earn the $1.50 they pay me to do so, just for today.
∞ DT ∞