$ i will walk the path to self-acceptance $
Posted: Wed, Oct 26, 2011 07:09:51 AM
i will show up, tell the truth, and work the steps. so as i sit here this morning, doing my best to get on the road early,. i am struck by this reading and the little random snippet i pulled out of another piece of recovery literature. together they have seemed to frame my day, with where i want to go. self-knowledge, i know, does not always lead to self-acceptance. in fact, using substances allowed me some self-acceptance, when i was in blissful oblivion, and only when i was there. at all other times, the self-talk told me what a piece of…
it is quite true, that many of the steps, can and have been used by me, for the exact same purpose. that auto sado-masochistic dance i do with with myself uses what i know to belittle and destroy me. it is only when i let go and ALLOW the process to work, that i can stop that pain. it amazes me how long that process takes sometimes. yet, that is the pattern of my spiritual growth, ignore the little pain until it gets too big to ignore any more. i know i am not unique in being such a weak and feeble person in this respect, some of the toughest people i know are wimps when it comes to the pain of growing spiritually and would rather spend decades being miserable, than make a change that just may lead to something greater. even when i decide to jump, i can find all manner of distractions and behaviors to defer the implementation of that decision. oh i may make noises like i am ready, even take some preliminary action, but than i find the ways and means to complete the action, deferring spiritual growth for the momentary pleasure of something new, and bright and shiny. that is the pattern and often i feel the purpose of my life. making myself as miserable as i can possibly be, so the alternatives, using or step work look all that more attractive.
today? it is work and the snowstorm that is dumping down upon this little piece of geography. i may have more to say later, BUT i do see where i need to go. I NEED to stop doing what i am doing, let go and write what is in front of me. the journey of 12 steps begins with a single pen stroke, to borrow a cliché. so it is off to the shower and into this slippery slope commute. it is a good day to be clean.
it is quite true, that many of the steps, can and have been used by me, for the exact same purpose. that auto sado-masochistic dance i do with with myself uses what i know to belittle and destroy me. it is only when i let go and ALLOW the process to work, that i can stop that pain. it amazes me how long that process takes sometimes. yet, that is the pattern of my spiritual growth, ignore the little pain until it gets too big to ignore any more. i know i am not unique in being such a weak and feeble person in this respect, some of the toughest people i know are wimps when it comes to the pain of growing spiritually and would rather spend decades being miserable, than make a change that just may lead to something greater. even when i decide to jump, i can find all manner of distractions and behaviors to defer the implementation of that decision. oh i may make noises like i am ready, even take some preliminary action, but than i find the ways and means to complete the action, deferring spiritual growth for the momentary pleasure of something new, and bright and shiny. that is the pattern and often i feel the purpose of my life. making myself as miserable as i can possibly be, so the alternatives, using or step work look all that more attractive.
today? it is work and the snowstorm that is dumping down upon this little piece of geography. i may have more to say later, BUT i do see where i need to go. I NEED to stop doing what i am doing, let go and write what is in front of me. the journey of 12 steps begins with a single pen stroke, to borrow a cliché. so it is off to the shower and into this slippery slope commute. it is a good day to be clean.
∞ DT ∞