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in what may **feel** like a continuation of a theme, i do have to say this morning, that there are times when i do feel shame about being an addict. once upon a time, i saw that saying i was an addict, even when i did not believe i was one, was literally, my get out of jail free card. even after getting clean, i could proudly state: ₊well what did you expect, after all, i am just an addict,” to ameliorate the worst of what i had done, was my mantra. coming to the fellowship on which i base my recovery, changed that into feelings of shame, especially when i was clueless about the “why” i did the things i did. “junkie pride” and false humility were always covers for my feelings of being broken beyond repair because i am an addict, but as i stay clean and learned to look at myself in a more objective manner, i see that being an addict need not cause me shame anymore. that shame is one of the tools i use to keep myself from seeing who i have become, in the course of living a program of active recovery.
as i listened to my heart this morning, i felt a certain relief knowing that i no longer have to fall for those tropes anymore. the conspiracy theories and flat-earther beliefs that colored my active addiction and my early recovery no longer take precedence in my daily life, even though i have yet to be &@8220;cured.” what i always seem to want when i was using, was freedom from the emotional ups and downs that are part of being human. even in those days, i wanted some balance. using gave me the illusion of balance and as the years went by, seemed to be the answer to my prayers. recovery has “leveled” my emotional state, not by chopping off thew “highs” and “lows,” boot by giving me the means to accept them and live life as just another human being.
i have been more than a bit “out of sorts” lately, which i attributed to the pandemic and my client demanding more and more when i want to give less and less. the fact is, i had decided that being “grumpy” was what i desired to be and allowed myself to wallow in that feeling. Friday afternoon, i decided that i could no longer accept being “grumpy” anymore and made a conscious choice to allow myself to “feel” some gratitude, joy and hope. the end result was not anything close to instant gratification, but i did start to move off grumpy street to a new address. not sure what that new address is going to be, but making that decision and upholding it by allowing myself to get to the “root” cause, in a rational manner, is certainly making a difference today in my emotional state. stuff is not as bad as i want to see it, the pandemic and the political scene are what they are and i am doing what i can to let go of outcomes and find a bit of balance in my life, regardless of what is happening in the outside world. just for today, i think i will head on over the the Rec Center and get some miles in, let go of curent events and do what i can to make my immediate world a bit more palatable to those around me.

∞ DT ∞