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i need to find a different way to live — and that is where the steps come in.
yes, once again the steps, the steps, the steps. as boring and redundant as that sounds, for me, the steps and learning how to apply them in my life, based on the guidance of those who have gone before me, is how i got to where i am today.
THIS IS NOT SOME OPTIONAL EQUIPMENT OR ADDED BENEFIT!
for me, this i what makes it possible to get up and face the world, each and every day. i often share about, back in the day, i HAD to get high to face the world, and that is not hyperbole, that was my reality. today, living a program of active recovery has taken its place. i do not feel right, if i skip on my morning routine, and i certainly do not sleep well, if i do not do a TENTH STEP inventory each night. as a result of working through the 12 STEP process, time and again, i GET to uncover who i really and get to see who i can be. each and every day clean, when i do this gig as written and not as adapted by me, i have more freedom from self-obsession and am further on my path to becoming whole, genuine and self-aware. it is, simply put, the manner in which i CHOOSE to live my life.
so yes the yippy-skippy part of this blog is complete. as i have been sharing recently, the final phase of the legalization of the substance that started this whole journey, is fast approaching. the part of me i call addiction, for lack of a better term, has been working over the idea,m that once something is legal, i can use it without consequences. i keep coming back to this, here and in the meetings, because i know if i keep this desire secret, i will be first in line, on the morning of January 1, 2014. just like that Eagles song, i can check-in anytime i want, but i can never leave. BOOM, there i go. by keeping myself talking out loud about this, i get relief from the internal dialogue, about what i should or should not be doing. the steps are the guidelines that allow me to see this lie for what it is, i cannot and never will be able to just smoke a little bit now and again. no matter how hard i try and control my hunger to get high, eventually, i will return to a p;lace where it owns me, once again, lock, stock and barrel. my only defense is the steps. the part of me that i call addiction is insidious, but not the least baffling. that part of me, makes it perfectly clear what the goal of my life should be, namely to get high all day everyday, for the rest of my life. nothing baffling about that, and wrapping addiction up in some mysterious mumbo-jumbo, does me a disservice beyond description. others can whine about how they did not see their actual relapse coming, but putting myself in a place where i know substances are sold and consumed, is usually not a good idea. i do not frequent crack house, or MMJ dispensaries, because i have little defense against what goes on there.
anyhow, it is time to grab a gar, go do some work and head on over to my home group, for yet another Saturday morning, which today, i am more than perfectly fine with. be well my friends and remember working the steps is a choice you can disregard to your own peril.

∞ DT ∞