โ as long as i did not fit any of the stereotypes, i could not be an addict. โ
Posted: Fri, Dec 14, 2007 08:54:54 AM
as my using progressed, i discarded that, only to come up with the idea that addiction was about drugs.
silly boy, but that was how denial worked for me. as long as i could explain away my problems, even in early recovery, i could not possibly need to make any life changes. after all, if it was all about the drugs and the getting and using and finding the means to use more, all i had to do is stop for a month or so and i would be cured.
and that whole notion was reinforced in the fellowship i first came to seek recovery in. after all, they were all about a single substance, so although i used many substances, when i did the lanagauge substitution for their single focus to mind-altering drugs, i fit. AND that fit right into my whole system of denial, quite nicely as a matter of fact. and so i was in trouble right from the start, and did not realize it at all. of course there were members speaking to how their disease affected all areas of their life, but i was different and missed the point of what they were trying to tell me. it is quite a miracle that i found the fellowship i needed to be in, and finally began to glimpse the TRUE nature of my disease.
today, as the reading quite plainly states, i have learned to focus on the disease and not my apparent symptoms. that really sucks some days, because my disease seems way to pervasive. on other days i am grateful, because i see a solution instead of my problem. the real irony here is that for me, even after a decade of not using anything, i am still an addict and have come to accept that this is the life for me, i will never graduate, i will never be cured, and even if medical science comes up with a way to remove my physical reaction to drugs, i do believe that i will continue to treat my mental, emotional and spiritual self with the program of recovery that has allowed me to be free from active addiction.
anyhow, it is once again a cold and snowy morning over which i am powerless, i can sit here and whine about it, which i would love to do, or i can go out and take care of what needs to be done and see what i can get done before i lay my head on my pillow this evening. that choice is a gift of recovery and i choose to go out and about. so ciao for now!
silly boy, but that was how denial worked for me. as long as i could explain away my problems, even in early recovery, i could not possibly need to make any life changes. after all, if it was all about the drugs and the getting and using and finding the means to use more, all i had to do is stop for a month or so and i would be cured.
and that whole notion was reinforced in the fellowship i first came to seek recovery in. after all, they were all about a single substance, so although i used many substances, when i did the lanagauge substitution for their single focus to mind-altering drugs, i fit. AND that fit right into my whole system of denial, quite nicely as a matter of fact. and so i was in trouble right from the start, and did not realize it at all. of course there were members speaking to how their disease affected all areas of their life, but i was different and missed the point of what they were trying to tell me. it is quite a miracle that i found the fellowship i needed to be in, and finally began to glimpse the TRUE nature of my disease.
today, as the reading quite plainly states, i have learned to focus on the disease and not my apparent symptoms. that really sucks some days, because my disease seems way to pervasive. on other days i am grateful, because i see a solution instead of my problem. the real irony here is that for me, even after a decade of not using anything, i am still an addict and have come to accept that this is the life for me, i will never graduate, i will never be cured, and even if medical science comes up with a way to remove my physical reaction to drugs, i do believe that i will continue to treat my mental, emotional and spiritual self with the program of recovery that has allowed me to be free from active addiction.
anyhow, it is once again a cold and snowy morning over which i am powerless, i can sit here and whine about it, which i would love to do, or i can go out and take care of what needs to be done and see what i can get done before i lay my head on my pillow this evening. that choice is a gift of recovery and i choose to go out and about. so ciao for now!
∞ DT ∞