Blog entry for:

because of this, i need a solution that works to repair every area of my life: the Twelve Steps. well it has been quite a productive morning so far. it appears that the doldrums i have been feeling seem to be lifting, and that i can get some stuff done and move forward with my life. it may not have appeared that i was any different, because that is part of my modus operandi, the whole maintaining appearances gig. actually, it has not been as bad as in years past, but my seasonally affected depression did hit me fairly hard this year, and i lacked the disposable income to fix it in my oh so familiar manner, a quick trip to the store for something new and shiny. the lack of the extra income i have come to appreciate now looks like a good thing, as it has made me face this head on, instead of distracting myself with shopping, or deadlines, or work. i see what i have to do, and that is continue to live a program of recovery, continue to follow my physical workout routine and most importantly continue to do the best i can to do the next right thing.
what does any of this have to do with being an addict? well if i was one of those normal people we so often hear about, i might go to my doctor and say "doc, i feel blue every year from Halloween to Ground Hog’s day."
my doctor would probably see that i am suffering from seasonally affected depression, and offer medication or other therapies to help combat it, warning me not to drink too much as this may make matter worse.
i can, however, make no claims as to being any sort of normal, except maybe in my social appearances and even that is probably suspect. no my answer in active addiction was to over medicate myself with all of my favorite substances using the excuse, that it is after all the holiday season. and BOOM before i knew it, the sun would be climbing higher in the sky, and i could start to pull back from the brink , back into my normal daily using pattern.
recovery took this outlet away by my choice, so in the years past, i go on major little spending sprees, justifying it by thinking that i am buying gifts for all my loved ones, need some for me too! after all i am worth spending some $$s on.
well my client base took away the option for this extra spending on me this year, so i am left to face this on my own, as a result, working through this by staying active and letting myself slack a bit, has helped and i do believe that i can now see light at the end of the tunnel, even though the darkest and shortest days are yet to come.
recover works, and i am grateful i can see past what is going on and into a place that will continue to help free my from my self-obsession. with a bit more hope and light, i do believe i will take to the streets and work off the the excess stress i feel because of who i am and what time of year it just happens to be.

∞ DT ∞