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i can see its effects on my thoughts, my feelings, and my behavior, even after i stop using.
even today, after a bit of time clean, i still believe that clean time equals recovery, if i am not using than i must be in recovery. the fact that addiction pervades my entire life is a tough pill to swallow, after all isn’t this all about not using?
my experience has been, that when i was not using any substances including alcohol, i was one miserable son of a gun. but of course that had nothing to do with the little inconvenient fact that addiction was a part of me. it is much more comfortable for me, if i can believe that it is all about the substances i used and not about who i am at my core. it is much easier to separate myself from other recovering addicts if i focus on what and how much i used and who my connections were, instead of looking at what i am feeling about myself, my life and those who are part of that life. and it is much easier for me to return to using, especially after a bit of clean time, if i believe that recovery means just not using.
so along comes this little reading to remind me that i am an addict, suffering from the disease of addiction even though i am not using. the nice part of the reading is that this cruel reality is tempered with a solution to my problem, the twelve steps! that the solution to my problem is so simple, it is amazing that i resist doing what i need to do. that goes back to the mistaken belief that the substances that i used and that abused me were the problem, and it was not who and what i am. as long as i can live in the illusion that it is all about the drugs, i can avoid practicing a solution, i can avoid seeing myself for who i am, and most of all i can avoid the pain that spiritual growth always seems to bring!
i do know where that is taking me, back to life of using every day, just to deal with my life such as it is and will be.
so today, right here and right now, i see the lie for what it is, i am my disease and i need to do whatever it takes to keep that disease in remission. i do not want to lose what i have, so i believe i will practice a spiritual principle or three, and focus on what i need to do today to foster my recoverty form addiction. simply delcious!

∞ DT ∞