Blog entry for:

that works: the Twelve Steps. this morning as i look for deeper meanings and a witty and profound set of characters that make up this entry, i really am hard-pressed to step out of the box for this topic. i wholeheartedly agree with the notion that addiction is more than just a dependence on drugs and needs to be addressed on a level that is more than mere physical abstinence. i know that i have peers, some with decades clean,who believe that NOT using is what this all about. i am grateful that i was disabused of that notion early in my recovery, and i did not need to get STUCK in what was, -- IT IS ALL ABOUT THE DRUGS! quite honestly i rarely think about using and even more rarely have the desire to use. that is not b=ragging or pride, just stating a fact. building upon that fact, IF i was one of those who thought recovery was all about the drugs, then i could have walked away from the program a long, long time ago. and no, that is not my addiction using my recovery against me!
working from the premise that recovery is not about overcoming my physical and emotional dependence on substances and behaviors, i get to allow myself to be so much more. i am, one of the many recovering addicts worldwide, nothing special, i just want more from my life than FREEDOM from the need to use drugs. i do not have to mind-fVck myself about whether this thought or feeling is wrong. i do not have to walk around in constant fear that the other shoe is going to drop and i am going to end up high. i no longer live a FEAR based program, where every day relapse is a near certain event about to happen to me. as i stay clean and grow the routines that allow me to be FREE from active addiction, i gain a sense of certainly that IF i do what i have been doing, the chances are pretty damn good that i will keep getting what i have been getting.when i speak of living a FAITH based program. i understand why some of my peers walk away from the program as well. IF FREEDOM from active addiction meant solely freedom from the desire to use, i too would find a different path.
all of that being said, i am a cheerleader for the 12 STEPS. i am a cheerleader for active daily program of recovery. i am a cheerleader for the notion that the No Matter What Club is just the doorway to so much more. the path i travel, daily since i finally accepted that addiction was more than the use of drugs, is one fraught with pain and joy. i get FREEDOM from my obsession with self and from the nasty streak of entitlement that colors my attitudes, because of the 12 STEPS, not despite them. the path i have traveled and continue to travel holds much more for me, than i ever imagined. just for today, i believe i will do what i can to feel what i need to feel, even if it is sadness and remorse over the passing of my friend. i know that although the feelings may never pass, they need not rule my life, recovery has taught me that being in the here and now, is certainly preferable to living in the past and dwelling in a house of pain.

∞ DT ∞