Blog entry for:

is a phrase i use with little regard to whether or not i am actually doing so. i know that i am a great one for saying one thing and doing another, or at last i certainly was. i am better than i used to be and each day i attempt to the best of my ability to live a program of active recovery, i am actually doing what i purport to be doing. that is not to say that i am anywhere close to perfect. there was going to be a “but” in that last line, HOWEVER i decided to leave it stand as it is, unlike politicians or some right wing social media owners, i am not a fragile sort who needs to build himself up by pretending to be all humble and righteous. the fact is i am human and an addict in recovery and although for me at least, the lie about always living in an addict mentality has been exploded, i can and often do slip back into the self-entitled behaviors i see all around me.
as i was navigating the commute this morning, fighting my car stereo and over humidified cigar, i realized that maybe, just maybe, my rush to get into the office was really not all that necessary. no one is “clocking” my arrival at work, save for myself. no one is standing over me, screaming to “nerd harder,” at least this year. what also came to me, is that my latest code was working just the way it was supposed to be working and when i complete getting the stuff i need, it may just be the solution i have been seeking the past five work days. as a result of what bubbled up from the bottom of the stack, i just need to allow myself the freedom to finish what i started and see what happens before i scream and pull my hair out by its roots. as my computer is whining about updates, i think the time has come to post this and get some coffee, after all, trying to avoid the inevitable will only drive my NUTZ and just for today i want to live in a sane and serene solution.

∞ DT ∞