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than the drugs. no matter how many times, i have heard it said. no matter how many times i have seen it in action, i can still be dumbfounded by the notion, that it was not or how much i used that makes me an addict, it is something inherent within me.
this morning i am so freaking pissed off at my hosting company, that i am going to spend the next few days getting all the way off. i have to get them on the phone, since i do not have time to play games with their less than stellar support group and cannot find the means to cancel my account with them through their “service” portal. i do pity the fool in India, who takes me call this afternoon, as i will have all day to stew about it.
okay venting complete and time move along into what i “heard” this morning. when i think about it, i see examples of the notion that it is the substances or the behaviors that are the issue. when i spoke to my friend just back from their last bout with using drugs, they were quite certain that they were clean and had not “lost” any of their recovery. i love this little convenient lie that many coming back from relapse use to salve their conscience and try to salvage their self-respect. the fact is that there was a reservation in their program and they never did really “get” the notion that recovery was more than mere abstinence from the use of drugs. usually i keep that particular opinion to myself, but i git the chance to share it and hammered home the point, that they were living a lie and unless they got out of the relationship based on that lie, they would continue to do what they were doing.
for me, this morning, my anger at the faceless and clueless service representative that will take my call this afternoon, is a return similar behavior. i get to stew in my own juices and prepare to pound someone into the dust, just because i can, and i will feel justified and self-righteous because the fVcked me over! today, my drug is rage and vengeance and if i allow myself to get carried away in that tide, i will be making all sorts of mea culpas, when i do my 10TH step tonight. just for right now, i will admit i am, an addict, wrap this little ditty up and slide on down to work.

∞ DT ∞