Blog entry for:

of me i call addiction is a whole lot more than just a bad habit or my uncontrollable NEED to get high. i accept that as fact, these days and take steps to live in a solution that ameliorates that part of who i am. in early recovery, i lived in the delusion that addiction was some alien or outside force, that warped how i thought, how i felt and how i reacted to the world around me. it was easier for this addict to think that when i was in a meeting addiction was outside in the parking lot “doing pushups.” as i stayed clean and heard what some of my peers were trying tell me, i had to come to the disturbing realization that addiction was part of who i was. as i destroyed the compartments in my life, it became more and more obvious that i could no longer see addiction as some sort of devil sitting on one shoulder and recovery as an angel sitting on the other. IF i wanted to get better, i NEEDED to dispose of those comfortable delusions and embrace addiction as an intrinsic part of who i am. that tipped my entire world and the TWELVE STEP process after that, took on a whole new meaning.
one of the toughest things i had to do, as i integrated that fact in my life, was to change the little clichés and bon mots, to fit this new reality. no longer could i say “my disease wants me dead, but will settle for me to use.” that little ditty boils down to “i want me dead, but will settle for me getting high.” the power of replacing the words addiction and disease with i and me, created a tectonic shift in who and what i thought i was and set the stage for the revelations that have come from my step work, ever since. i do soften my message by saying “the part of me i call addiction,” and maybe that jump-starts this process in the minds of my peers and cohorts in recovery. for me, this was leaving the lobby of Hotel recovery and starting my climb to being a better person.
on a more personal note, this morning, after not being able to really turn off my head, last night, i realize that the tempest in a teapot that i have been intimately involved in, will come to a conclusion tonight. for that point forward, i will need to do what i can, to repair thew damaged relationship with one of my peers, even if repairing that relationship does not include trusting them again. i can shut-off the judgement machine and i can begin to accept that maybe they are doing the best they can with what they got. i can also take steps to prevent anyone else from moving in such a self-willed manner, violating the trust of those they serve, at least in this small instance. the process of reconciliation begins today and i am the only one who can walk that path, as it is my itsy-bitsy, teeny-tiny feelings that were hurt and i cannot speak for my peers in this matter. it is a good day to take the steps necessary to live another day in recovery.

∞ DT ∞