Blog entry for:

every area of my life by living a program of recovery. it seems that as i have done in the past, i wrote about a subject the day before it popped into my inbox. my reluctance to let go of what i thought addicts looked like, certainly played a huge part in my reluctance to become a member. the fantasy that i was somehow immune because most of the aspects of my life were not unmanageable, fed into my denial of needing a program of recovery. after all, if it was just the drugs, all i needed to do is stop using for long enough to allow my life to get back on course. it was more than a little distressing to me, that i would need to find a new manner of living.
one of the clichés i tire of hearing is that a life in recovery is simple, but far from easy. once upon a time, this provided a bit of comfort to this struggling addict, but as the days add up, it has started to work on my last nerve. seriously, changing the way i lived, what i believed and my image of who i am, is a life's work. as “simple” as the recovery program may seem on the surface, the reality is that dealing with a life time of living in active addiction, complexities creep in, each and every day. it may “look” simple to do the next right thing, be loving and kind or surrender my will and life into the care of the POWER that fuels my recovery on paper, but implementing any or all of that, does not come easy for someone such as myself. the saving grace, is that as i become better habituated to the manner of living, the easier this way of life becomes.
this morning, i am okay with where my life is going, even though i am not sure what this day will bring. i have altered my routine to see if the sun melts off a bit more of the snow and ice, before i step out to get my miles. i have a bunch of stuff to accomplish before i take next week off from work and most of it relies on getting processes in place, so my team mate can take care of it. i need to be a gracious winner, as i kicked some Fantasy Football ass over the weekend. for me, most importantly, is to let go of my FEAR and allow myself the FREEDOM to write out the FOURTH STEP that i have completed in my head, and perhaps get to Colorado Springs next week, to share it with my sponsor. i can do all of that and more, IF i choose to live the program of recovery i have been given and find a bit of contentment in knowing all that i have and am today, is a result of finally letting go of what i thought i was and the euphoric recall of what my life in active addiction, looked like. this is, for me anyhow, the easier, softer way, just for today.

∞ DT ∞