Blog entry for:

drugs, and recovery. so last night i honestly shared there are times i am envious of my friends and peers who just do not get this whole idea. as they scrape the bottom, and shed their responsibilities and end up with nothing left to lose, their lives get simpler and simpler, just get HIGH, no matter what. as awful as that may seem to the other 85% and i am quite sure it is, to the addict within, that sounds like a wonderfully idyllic life, from time to time. the very fact that i could, even for a single second, believe that was the sort of life that might appeal to me, tells, me that i am not wired like the majority of the human race. there are certainly a whole lot of other clues, but today, i need not use, because i CHOOSE not to, and not because i am under some sort of edict.
when i got to the rooms, and finally stopped using, i did so to comply with the wishes of those around me. in my heart of hearts, i was certain that my abstinence would last only as long as i had external influences and consequences i was unwilling to face. i was fortunate in that i had never been exposed to any sort of recovery before arriving, so i did not know what to expect, when i got here. my friends and peers, that live in the revolving door, sometimes seem to feel entitled to something from the fellowship and their members. it feels as if they expect us to keep them clean, provide them a living, room and board and stuff to do to occupy the empty hours of their days. this is my perception and i cannot say how accurate it may be. i can, however, say this, that i do not expect anyone to pay my way, but when they choose to do so, i can be grateful and accept the gifts they are offering. i do know that when i came to the rooms, i believed i was entitled to something more than the raw deal life had given me, there should have been no reason, save being ratted out, that i the circumstances of my life would have ended up on the doorstep of 12 STEP programs, and yet here i sit today, and for that twist of fate, i am grateful.
back to the topic, i can tell that i am an addict, because it is so easy for me to romance what is truly a terrible existence. i forget the pain of having to get high all the time, just to deal with the world. i forget the gaps in my days and nights, when i was too high to remember anything. i forget the abuse i put myself through and heaped upon others. all i remember is that feeling, you know, when the world fades away and finally everything feels as if it is more than okay, everything feels perfectly right. today, i know that for the lie it is, and BOOM, there goes my envy. i really do not want to live on the margins like that. i choose to take responsibility for myself and my life, and freely give away what i have. that does not mean my money or my material possessions, that means the spiritual gifts that recovery has given me those spiritual gifts have far more worth than my next paycheck, but to someone scraping by, probably not so much. i CHOOSE to be responsible, pay my bills, go to work, take care of myself and be a part of my life and the lives of those who care for me. i CHOOSE not to use today, no matter what. i CHOOSE to work an active program of recovery and i CHOOSE to listen for and follow the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery.. i CHOOSE to live today, instead of merely exist in the miserable twilight oif active addiction, because i have seen the results in my life and the lives of my peers. it is a good day to be clean and to be cognizant of the fact that addiction and recovery,m have very little to do with drugs, once the obsession to use is lifted, and the only way that will be coming back, is if i CHOOSE to invite it back into my life, after all, this is Colorado.

∞ DT ∞