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that affects every area of my life. okay i will not go into the argument whether or not i see addiction as a disease or not. i chose to disagree with the party line here, BUT it is not like i see addiction as something that can ever be removed from my makeup, it is part and parcel of me, and it is my belief that it will remain so until i move on to the next phase of life.
removing the whole disease label, at least for me, opens up a whole lot of new possibilities. for one thing, it takes this whole addiction conundrum out of the hands of trained professionals of any sort. i am therefore responsible for the progression of my life, after the ravages of active addiction have been halted. that progression is called recovery, and although that word has all sorts of connotations that ties back to the whole disease label, i can use the language that is present in the rooms. before i sound like i have achieved any sort of self-sufficiency, let me be perfectly clear.. YES i am responsible for my recovery. YES i have worked hard to get where i am today. BUT all of that is a gift from the POWER that fuels my recovery, given to me through the other members of the fellowship that provides the framework for this new manner of living. nothing tricky here, just the truth as i see it. my FAITH is based on that in the long run, the collective experience of the fellowship will provide me the means to stay clean today, and what is not given to me through that channel, will be provided through others, as long as i am present to hear and see it.
well now, that was quite a tangent. the reading spoke to me of denial as well. i was and still can be in denial and working to build a belief structure that fosters what i do not want to see. i did use what i though an addict looked like, to disqualify myself, and since appearances were all that mattered, i took great pains to look like i was not that kind of creature. honestly i was that creature, a bedraggled soul, trapped in active addiction, willing to go to any lengths to get high and without a conscience or any remorse when it came down to it. i GET that today, and when i look back it was my amazing wall of denial that kept me from getting that way back when. today, my denial is not quite as blatant and is just as pervasive and invisible to me much of the time. the HOPE is that i have friends, peers, acquaintances and a sponsor, who can see through that wall, and help me to see what i NEED to see. the fellowship provides me the means to counter that denial and allow myself another day to become more than i was yesterday. i do think, that before this day closes, i NEED to ponder what it is i am denying in my life today and see what i can use to counter it. as i have plenty of mindless tasks to do, it may get done before my 10th Step tonight, however that too will be as it will be.
anyhow. what i am not in denial about is that i need to to trot around the hood. so it is off to the streets i go to become a little less of a man, mass-wise, that i was yesterday.

∞ DT ∞