Some memes

merely surviving my circumstances, i am living the life i have always dreamed of having. i may not be rich, famous, stunningly attractive, but i am no longer wallowing in a pit of self-pity and despair over what i do not and can not have. coming out of the shadow of how i lived for all those years, has been quite eye-opening to me. all i ever really wanted was to be liked by those around me and loved by those who could see me. over the course of time, i kept anyone from seeing me and told all sorts of outrageous stories to “make” those around me, find me to be worthy of their attention. what i did, however, was to become a boorish intellectual bully, that pushed everyone away. i am not any less smart than i was behind the mask i used to wear, but i am quite a bit wiser and finally came to the realization that even though i may be experiencing my life at the center of universe, the universe does not hang on my every thought, feeling or desire.
coming to terms with the authentic me and connecting with my creativity and the POWER that fuels my recovery, are certainly tasks i can undertake on this day. most of the time, i live in a fog of self-deprecation, that shouts at how “bad” i am at this life gig. the reality is, i am getting better at living each and every day i stay clean and live a program of active recovery. the insanity i am living within, comes back to what i thought i had to be, rather than embracing what i have become. looking at what i have in my life today versus what it is i may have the desire to add to my life. when i look at that space, i see there is really not a whole lot of difference. yes i would like to be financially secure so i could retire and provide a living for myself and my spouse. yes i would like to already be fit enough to have the confidence that i will be able to run the Bolder Boulder in under fifty-five minutes. more than anything else, i would like to be sure of who i am and allow myself to show that person to anyone and everyone who happens to be a part of my life. all of that is possible, perhaps not today, but certainly in the near future.
life these days, presents me all sorts of opportunities i never was able to see in the past. allowing myself to be creative and not an “engagement farmer” as i resist and support the causes that i believe in, is turning out to be a bit more involved than i once believed it to be. as i walk through today, IRL and on-line, i will remember to be myself and let go of any expectation that i am bigger, stronger, smarter or better than anyone else. allowing myself to just be, without weighing my relative value, is probably the most creative thing i can do for myself, just for today.

∞ DT ∞