Some memes

being right all the time, especially when no one else sees it my way. there are days, such as this morning, when i read an entry from my source material about service, and i write about my personal recovery journey. yes, i have been on the “wrong end” of group conscience, more than once. yes, i got angry and through a petulant frenzy when no one saw it my way. i have left groups and service bodies because my, oh so tender, feelings were bruised. what i learned from all those less than stellar examples of my service experience is to get over my bad self and accept what is decided, was decided through a group conscience process, even it someone has manipulated the shit out of it, to get their desired outcome. i have been there, done that and certainly have more than one T-shirt.
as i sat and listened this morning, what bubbled up from the depths was an image of myself, back in the day, fucked up high, pontificating on some boorish subject, as loudly as possible, so everyone could hear me. it makes sense, given the topic of my source material, but there was certainly a sense of shame that came over me, as i remembered how i was and certainly could be again. i was a conceited, overblown, snobbish know-it-all and i am not proud of how i was. thankfully the feeling of shame quickly passed as i realized that behavior has not been a part of my life for quite some time, but it did persist into recovery, everything but the fucked-up high part. as i stayed clean, accepted recovery into my life an learned to live a program of active recovery, i felt the need to be right all the time, less and less. it does not mean i am any less right in what i may know and believe, it just means i do not inflict those beliefs and opinions on those around me, without being asked to do so.
this morning, after a moment of contemplation and in a state of emotional balance, i see my past for what it is, my past. it is the part of me that i call active addiction, with the help of the religion in which i was brought up in, that brings the feeling of shame up from the depths of my disgrace. shame is just one of the cudgels i use to beat myself and i am grateful today, that i can recognize it for what it is, smoke and mirrors to make me desire to change the way i feel. with dis or dat. with that behind me, it is time to dress out and get some miles under my sneakers. it ids a good day to remeber being right is not the same as doing the next thing right.

∞ DT ∞