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staying clean is easier when i have someone who believes in me even when i do not believe in myself.
so here i sit way too early on a Saturday wondering what to do next. i have far too much energy to go back to bed, i already have done my work out, i got good news yesterday morning my MIA sponsee is okay and i am waiting to hear from him soon. what does any of that have to do with finding someone who believes in me? well it probably does not, and maybe i will go off on the tangent i am thinking about and see if it curves back towards the point.
i did not stay clean when i first walked into the rooms, that i have said more than once before. nor was i willing to get clean even after a bit of time in the rooms. all of that came down the line as i surrendered bit by bit, screaming and kicking the whole way, to the program that has given me a new life and a new manner of living. the truly delicious irony here, is that those who are just starting out on their journey of recovery, look at me, listen to me, and assume that i am somehow different, because they are unable to see what i was like all those days ago. they see the result of my journey to date, and assume that there was no way that i could have ever been as…
…whatever as they are now. i understand that attitude and belief system, because it was mine, and it persisted for quite a bit of time. it was not, in fact, until i landed in the correct fellowship that i could see that members that had walked this path before me, more than likely arrived in a very similar state, as i did. that state was a total unwillingness to abstain from the use of drugs, and to use the fellowship as a cover for my real activities, USING WHENEVER I COULD.
ah those were the days, NOT! these days i still need people to believe in me. believe that i can recover another day. believe that i can continue to grow. believe that i have something to offer my fellowship, my peers and my fellow members. really not that much different that what i needed way back when and that need probably will not change that much tomorrow. you see, for me, relapse is not the use of a substance, that is the end result. relapse for me, starts when i start to think that i am somehow different than the rest of you, and that i can do this life thing all by myself. today, i do believe i need the help of other members and that i can offer them something in return, we will see what i can do as i venture off to the real world.

∞ DT ∞