Blog entry for:

staying clean is easier when i have someone who believes in me even when i cannot believe in myself. i was really going to skip this exercise this morning, as the pile of work i chose to ignore over the weekend was screaming at me since the sun started to crest the horizon. instead of caving, like i have with so many of my other plans for today. i decided that i needed to drop this little ditty off, before hammering away at that pile of stuff. that being said, here i go…
so there are two things i heard this morning, the first and foremost on my mind, is what my real feelings are about this reading and the sponsee who may or may not fire me by mail or by default in the next 2 days. with that as a starting point, a bit of history, hopefully not enough to identify any of the other parties. anyhow, this sponsee has been struggling to get this whole recovery gig for what seems like forever. he works some steps, he stays clean for a while, the BOOM, he is off and running until his life gets miserable, then he calls me and asks for my help once again. up until lately, i have tolerated this behavior as, i do BELIEVE that he can recover, and i HOPE that one day he will finally surrender to the program and get it. what makes this time any different than the times before? well for one, i have come to the place where i am feeling like i am wasting my time. i have men that i sponsor who are facing long stretches of hard time, who are willing to make the most of the time and resources i have to give. they have nothing to gain from being in recovery, as it cannot help them out of the legal jams that they have created for themselves. and yet, they want my help, they want my time, and the want to find a different way to live that does not include trip through the state of Colorado correctional institutions. i do my best not to compare the men i sponsor, but i am human after all, and my most limited resource is time. when i feel like i am squandering that resource without any effect, i get angry. in the old days that anger would have been redirected to something else, these days it is directed at me most of the time, which is not a whole lot healthier. as this is a program of growth, i can either be angry, or i can get to what i can change regarding that, which is my behavior. if i feel i am wasting my time, i have to have the balls to say so, and then allow the situation to resolve, otherwise the anger will come back again and again, and i will be no better off for my understanding. so i told my sponsee, the one who i feel like i am wasting my time with, that he has until Wednesday to tell me why, i am not wasting my time, as it is only Monday, i will see what the end result of this is over the next few days.
all of that is important, as this reading asks me to find that one person who believes in me and wants to help me in my recovery. i have been that person for this man, and i know that asking him to make a commitment may make him feel like that belief has evaporated. i still believe that he can get clean and figure out how to live withing the spiritual nature of this program. i am still willing to support him in that effort. i am not certain that my support needs to come in the form of sponsorship, and that is where things get twisted up inside of me. all of that will resolve itself in the next few days, and just for today i know that i do believe that someone in recovery believes in me and wants to help, and i also believe i can be that person without being a sponsor.
anyhow, that pile of work is screaming at me now, so i will move on secure that i can recover, and that i can make healthy choices today, if i allow myself to stay in the her and now.

∞ DT ∞