Blog entry for:

in the rooms of the fellowship that has given me this life, automatically stay clean. ironically, i am thinking of the same friend and peer this morning, that i was 365 days ago. before i go into the angst and indecision i am feeling, i do need to make a clarification about my entry from yesterday. yes i was disparaging the actions of one law enforcement organization, and using that para-military display of force to paint a very nasty picture of law enforcement in general. what i intended was that it was to be a metaphor for how addiction got destroy my life and i could justify it by saying i had so many days clean, how could i possibly be an addict. those cops, and those who were running that particular hostage situation, will more than likely justify their outrageous actions, by saying they were “protecting” the public from a dangerous criminal. of course that message will be lost as the incredible images of the destruction they wrought are viewed by more and more people, and any respect that they may have thought they were generating by responding as they did, will get pitched right out the window, in short they may have got their man, but they certainly lost the hearts and minds of those they serve. just as i can justify the most outrageous actions, which to me look perfectly sane and within the bounds of “normal” behaviors. anyhow, here i sit today, thinking about the support i received from the fellowship when i was struggling and wondering…back to your regularly scheduled blog entry!

Helen P
CONGRATS on 11 years Clean.
i am certainly glad you found the means to STICK AROUND.

across the course of the past year, i have watched my friend continue to spin down, shed people from their life and generally get to a place where they have lost the desire to do anything to get any better. all this time, the only contact i get is when their a$$ is in a sling or they need something, and finally the collect calls from jail saying “can you _____?” the call the other afternoon, left me in a state, where i wondered if i could provide anything more for my friend. i was pissed off, sad and felt abused. i am left wondering IF i can be the ONE person who believe in them and wants to help them in their recovery, and the answer my rational side say, is not anymore! far too much has transpired. of course then i go back to the cops example, and wonder if i am not destroying everything for the sake of saving face? am i giving up on someone, because i am angry and hurt that they did not call me, instead of calling the dope man, once they got their phone back? have i lost my capacity to see the man, rather than the addict in this situation? honestly, today i do not know the answers to those questions, and as time progresses and i allow myself the freedom to feel my way through, i will be able to see what the next right thing to do is. right here and right now? get off my butt, go mow the lawn and get ready for a very light day of inactivity and perfect sloth, as sometimes doing nothing is certainly a good thing.

∞ DT ∞