โ sometimes it is hard for me to believe in myself โ
Posted: Fri, Jun 7, 2013 07:46:12 AM
in those times, i have to have FAITH that someone else in recovery believes in me and wants to help me in my recovery.
i have been that other person, and as i started writing this, that was the direction i was going to go. after all i have sponsees in all sorts of different states of recovery, from flat-out active addiction to simple, but painful abstinence, to active recovery. focusing on all of them in one fell swoop, or even the few at the extremes, becomes a distraction for me. i have more than enough on my plate, spiritually, this morning and looking at others is a quick way to dismiss all of that, as well as diminish my own net worth in my own eyes. after all, they are more important and the next right thing to do, is give them everything i have so they can get this.
well that attitude has created more than one less than healthy relationship, and now that i am working towards being healthy, in this respect, the other participant is confused and hurt, because they do not get that detachment is not running away. they do not understand that when i say no, as i am entitled to do , it does not mean that i love them any less. when i stop taking care of their affairs and allow those affairs to fall in disarray, i may be giving them the push they need to finally figure out that this could be the last time. when i stop interacting with using addicts, by choice, and stick to my guns there, not only am i protecting myself, but i also set a precedent for my boundaries. none of that is evidence that i have given up or will no longer continue to support them in their recovery. on the contrary, for once someone believes that they can stand on their own without depending on someone else to fill in the gaps for them.
what all of this means for me, is that i am finally coming to the conclusion that not only am i powerless over my addiction,m a fact i accept without reservations, i am also powerless over the addiction of others. accepting that, alters all the relationships i have with the men who have called me their sponsor across the course of my recovery. being powerless, does not mean i am hopeless as to their condition. i believe that any can recover, even those who happen to turn a two year probation sentence into a ten to fifteen year adventure through the justice system. even someone, who cannot get more than fourteen months clean, because they will not allow themselves the freedom to feel and let go. even those who revolve in and out of the doors, bolting at the first hint of actual change, only to come back abused and in greater pain than when they left. most of all, i believe that when i NEED them, my friends and peers in recovery will save my ass, especially in those times when i am unable to do so. on that hopeful chord, i do believe that i will get moving towards the establishment that is giving me the means top live in the manner i have grown accustomed to living, after all that too, is sometimes the next right thing to do.
i have been that other person, and as i started writing this, that was the direction i was going to go. after all i have sponsees in all sorts of different states of recovery, from flat-out active addiction to simple, but painful abstinence, to active recovery. focusing on all of them in one fell swoop, or even the few at the extremes, becomes a distraction for me. i have more than enough on my plate, spiritually, this morning and looking at others is a quick way to dismiss all of that, as well as diminish my own net worth in my own eyes. after all, they are more important and the next right thing to do, is give them everything i have so they can get this.
well that attitude has created more than one less than healthy relationship, and now that i am working towards being healthy, in this respect, the other participant is confused and hurt, because they do not get that detachment is not running away. they do not understand that when i say no, as i am entitled to do , it does not mean that i love them any less. when i stop taking care of their affairs and allow those affairs to fall in disarray, i may be giving them the push they need to finally figure out that this could be the last time. when i stop interacting with using addicts, by choice, and stick to my guns there, not only am i protecting myself, but i also set a precedent for my boundaries. none of that is evidence that i have given up or will no longer continue to support them in their recovery. on the contrary, for once someone believes that they can stand on their own without depending on someone else to fill in the gaps for them.
what all of this means for me, is that i am finally coming to the conclusion that not only am i powerless over my addiction,m a fact i accept without reservations, i am also powerless over the addiction of others. accepting that, alters all the relationships i have with the men who have called me their sponsor across the course of my recovery. being powerless, does not mean i am hopeless as to their condition. i believe that any can recover, even those who happen to turn a two year probation sentence into a ten to fifteen year adventure through the justice system. even someone, who cannot get more than fourteen months clean, because they will not allow themselves the freedom to feel and let go. even those who revolve in and out of the doors, bolting at the first hint of actual change, only to come back abused and in greater pain than when they left. most of all, i believe that when i NEED them, my friends and peers in recovery will save my ass, especially in those times when i am unable to do so. on that hopeful chord, i do believe that i will get moving towards the establishment that is giving me the means top live in the manner i have grown accustomed to living, after all that too, is sometimes the next right thing to do.
∞ DT ∞