Blog entry for:

utterly hopeless, with or without relapsing. that is a very sad fact of my life and i am certainly grateful that i have peers, associates and family members that support me, when i am the still suffering addict. these days hopelessness is not part of my daily melange of feelings. frustration at being treated as if i was some kind of servant, tops the list and i am getting close to telling someone to… so it goes the more things change, the more they stay just the same. that little statement probably explains the thrill i got out someone else giving my their personal power, as i have to surrender so much of mine, four days a week. i need to find an accommodation between what i need to do and what i have the desire to do, in this respect and i am not sure how it is all going to shake out. i do know that for right now, tolerance is not leading to acceptance.
here is where i play the martyr, by pretending that i am in an intractable position and that my only escape is through some sort of divine intervention. the fact of the matter is, that i have to find it within me, the strength to continue moving forward without giving up any more power, i am after all, the one who holds the stronger hand in this situation. what i lack in desire, i am getting in the grace to persevere, no matter how odious the situation may be, and in the long run, i know that the lessons i am learning by watching the bad and destructive behavior of someone else, will help me deal with own issues, that much better. walking away, physically is not an option i choose today. i can however, learn to detach. leave their shit with them and not play into their sense of victim-hood and martyrdom. just for today.

∞ DT ∞