๐ผ having faith ๐ผ
Posted: Sun, Jun 7, 2020 10:54:08 AM
in someone, who just does not seem to **get** it, is something i have struggled with, throughout my recovery journey. being the judgemental sort that i am, it has taken years to reach a spot, where every newcomer gets the benefit of the doubt and is worth, me having FAITH in them. as i grow in m y recovery, i can admit to my litany of **sins** and own the fact that i am not one of those who stands at the doors of the rooms, twelve stomping the parade of newcomers, as they enter the rooms.
as i was not the most honest, willing or open-minded newcomer, i was not particularly observant of those members who had FAITH in me. using everything to distance myself from the members that were already here, once i got clean, i could not believe anyone would have any sort of FAITH in my ability to find my path in recovery. that experience, colors my world to this day and as i get reminders from those who saw me come in, i GET to find a path that leads me to a bit of reconciliation of what was and allows me to believe in what may be.
i have often invested more in the recovery of someone else, than they were willing to invest themselves. learning where that line is, and how to move myself back across it has been fraught with more disasters than successes. more than once, when i have pulled back, someone always gets hurt, or at least perceive that they get hurt. the conflicts and name-calling that ensues, has often driven me back to the end of the welcoming line, taking my turn being that someone who has faith, only when there seems to be no one else. as a result, i have become a closed-mouth friend and sponsor, to some men who have serious mental health issues. that experience has brought me to a place where i have a whole lot more tolerance for mental health professionals and their arsenal of medications.
as i prepare for carrying the message this morning, i think i will head on out to pick-up a coffee beverage and let go of what i may think the content of that share “should” contain and allow the POWER that fuels my recovery, to give me the words i need.
as i was not the most honest, willing or open-minded newcomer, i was not particularly observant of those members who had FAITH in me. using everything to distance myself from the members that were already here, once i got clean, i could not believe anyone would have any sort of FAITH in my ability to find my path in recovery. that experience, colors my world to this day and as i get reminders from those who saw me come in, i GET to find a path that leads me to a bit of reconciliation of what was and allows me to believe in what may be.
i have often invested more in the recovery of someone else, than they were willing to invest themselves. learning where that line is, and how to move myself back across it has been fraught with more disasters than successes. more than once, when i have pulled back, someone always gets hurt, or at least perceive that they get hurt. the conflicts and name-calling that ensues, has often driven me back to the end of the welcoming line, taking my turn being that someone who has faith, only when there seems to be no one else. as a result, i have become a closed-mouth friend and sponsor, to some men who have serious mental health issues. that experience has brought me to a place where i have a whole lot more tolerance for mental health professionals and their arsenal of medications.
as i prepare for carrying the message this morning, i think i will head on out to pick-up a coffee beverage and let go of what i may think the content of that share “should” contain and allow the POWER that fuels my recovery, to give me the words i need.
∞ DT ∞