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and staying clean is hard to do, when i do not let my friends and peers in recovery believe in me.
although i hate to admit it, just for today, i do not have an addict who struggles to get clean and stay clean, in my life. i might be sad about that fact, and perhaps i am, but it certainly a consequence of stepping back from the grim parade of newcomers and the drama that follows them. it is quite easy to carry a message and say “<BOOM> here it is, have a great life,” than to actually provide “real” support and comfort. this is certainly one of the places where i look better than i actually behave. it may also be one of the many “notions” that is keeping me from seeing more in some of my peers. the fact of the matter is, i do not believe in some of them and certainly do not want to be covered with the shite, when they once again come crashing down. not exactly the most spiritual path to take.
did someone believe in me, back in those days between my first meeting and the day i used last? hard for me to say, as i did my best to keep my using under the radar of not only the justice system, but my friends, my family and my peers in recovery. i saw absolutely nothing wrong with using one night every month and in the state i was in, spiritually and emotionally, i saw those monthly opportunities as “God-sends.” today i realize that was part of my wall of denial and the cache of evidence i was accumulating to disprove the notion that i was any kind of addict. by the time i finally got over the shame of getting busted for being a fraud about my clean time and came back to the fellowship i was well into my next chapter of disqualifying myself from any sort of recovery and kept my peers in this fellowship at bay. i could be honest in that other twelve step fellowship but in the one that was to become my home, not so much. those members could see through my façade and call me out on my less than committed path to staying clean and working a program of active recovery.
sitting here today, decades after those days, it is quite easy to look back and see that there were one or more addicts who did believe in me, even if they did not believe the line of bullshit i was pitching at the time. the longer i stay clean, the more i realize that just for today, i am still my own best customer, especially when it comes to buying into the lie that i have not really advanced my recovery cause at all. today, i may not be the warmest and fuzziest member in the room, and i am certainly not the sweetness and light member, but i still show up, i still work steps and yes, when i allow myself to, i become the ONE that believes in someone, when they cannot believe in themselves. just for today, i will walk forward into the world and attempt to let go of what i think i know and open my mind to what i have yet to uncover, within me and withing others.

∞ DT ∞