Blog entry for:

offering support no matter how many times they relapse, recovery becomes a little more real for them.
so i know the reading was about me, finding my ONE person who believes in me, and wants to help me in my recovery, being as contrary as i am lately, i decided to approach this from one hundred and eighty degrees and see where it goes.
i have a friend, who i have known for nearly a decade, perhaps a bit longer, who has been in and out and around the program for even longer than that. my friend has managed to get a couple of years clean at least once, but it was always to comply with a higher authority and i mean a secular one, not a spiritual one. as my friend is reaching the end of what they owe society, they have decided that “drinking and smoking a little legal weed,” is the path they are ready and yes excited, to get rolling down. sadly, regardless of where this has taken them in the past, this is what they are choosing to do and as much as i want to strangle some sense into their head, i know that i am powerless over the choices they make, all i can do is stand-by, and IF they decide they want something different, be there to welcome them back to this life.
i have another friend, who is coming back from a long dark journey into the depths of mental illness, who actually stayed clean, but i am unsure of what my status is with them. i am certain that they see me as part of the problem and may even blame me for all that has happened during their journey into the darkness.
for both of those men, i may be the only ONE who believes in them, or so i like think. in reality i am one of a few or even many, who have not given up on them. the special part of this, is that i CAN believe in them, no matter what and it does not matter if anyone else does or not.
this take me back to the days when i was “around” the program. the time i do not count as being part of recovery, in fact the time i do not even count as relapses, as in those days, i had no intention of staying clean, all i wanted to do is look like i was abstinent, pass my piss testes and get the justice system out of my life. so what did i do? something all the addicts i have ever known are good at, putting on an act and becoming what i believed others wanted to see: a model recovering addict-alcoholic, who knew all the correct things to say and even could look like i was living a program of recovery. i did service, took tokens of clean time, completed in-patient treatment and so much more, just to look the part. inside? well i laughed at the fools who believed the act and took great pleasure in seeing how far i could go and how much i could get away with, which ended-up being quite a boat load. when it all came d=crashing down, and i was finally forced to make a real choice -- RECOVERY or CDOC -- i found out that even those i burned, were here for me, and believed that even i, chameleon and actor that i was, COULD get clean, lose the desire to use and find a new way to live. those were the people who supported me in those first six months, when every minute or every day was filled with the jones and the desire to use. when all i could think about was how was i going to get high and how long did i need to stay clean, before i could fix again. they told me to keep coming back, no matter how hard i tried to get them to kick me out. they told me that even i could do this gig and perhaps, if i did what they did, i would get the FREEDOM from active addiction, just like them. most importantly they gave me HOPE, that what iw as feeling would pass, all i had to do was…
here i am, many days later, wondering what went right, way back when, why is it that i have managed to stay clean, when so many of my peers have gone out, time and again. the answer is <drum roll, please> I DO NOT KNOW. the only thing i can attribute it to is, that once i decided i wanted more than scraping by and being owned by dope, i did what i was told to do, just like i was told to do it. i learned to live a program and started recovery rituals, i still carry out today. this was never about a personal program of recovery, it was about doing the gig and learning to be awake for my personal journey through that program and here i am, believing that many can have the same chance i did, and end up where i am, happy, not as insane and secure in the knowledge that at least for today, i am right where i am supposed to be.

∞ DT ∞