< even the most frequent relapser usually has one >
Posted: Thu, Jun 7, 2012 07:33:03 AM
staunch supporter who is always there, no matter what.ย although, at times, it starts wearing a bit thin, being that supporter, without conditions. the problem for me, is where does 12th step work stop and co-dependence and control start? where does love become sick? when does concern become obsession? way back when i was treatment, my black belt counselor told me, that scratch an addict deep enough, and you find a co-dependent. as time has gone on, i uncovered the truth in that statement for myself, and as i work steps i see relationships that require re-evaluation, and refining to take that part out. all of this may appear tangential to the topic at hand, but it was what i heard this morning, when i sat down and listened. i thought i was going to change directions, howver as i started a new paragraph, i realized that this thought was not complete. it is not like every person i sponsor or care about stays clean or hooks into the fellowship as a member for life. in fact i have more than one person who calls me their sponsor, out in active addiction, using something. i also have more than one sponsee, sitting in the margins, unable to commit to this new way of living. the number of people i have seen come and go, is beyond my capability to count today and to love and support them without conditions becomes a task that often feels beyond my human capacity.
as i have worked the steps,i see where the boundaries exist, and i have a sponsee, who will be spending his seventh birthday in a row, locked up in one manner or another. he is famous for asking me to do him a favor, eaxh time i have tried to cut that string, i realize how thick it really is and now it is ony with great effort that i am managing to let go. his last relapse was the figurative straw that broke this camel's back. he thinks i am being cruel, and perhaps i am as i enforce the boundary between unconditional support in his recovery and enabling him to stay as sick as he wants to be. i mean seriously calling someone who can return him to prison, just because he believes he needs something, is pretty sick. the worst part is that in the end, she will have hime hooked in again with her lies and the only thing she has left to give away. for me, i can where that particuar relationship will eventually end up, but i have finally come to the conclusion, that it is not my stuff. i have told him what i see, and it is up to him to decide if the instant gratification she offers is worth the eventual price he will pay.
the examples of my relationships that require mending could go on and on, the point is that i am learning what the difference is between being that one who believes in them and wants to help with their recovery and being the one that rescues them from themselves. today i am willing to allow myself to suggest and let go, to lead by example, even if no one is watching and to be a supporter of their recovery, nothing more and certainly nothing less. easy for me to say, while sitting on the bus, waiting at a stoplight, on my way to my current full-time gig. even i can let go, but i will see what happens when the phone rings and one of those i support decides to cross that boundary and ask for something more. it is after all an adventure iving in active recovery!
as i have worked the steps,i see where the boundaries exist, and i have a sponsee, who will be spending his seventh birthday in a row, locked up in one manner or another. he is famous for asking me to do him a favor, eaxh time i have tried to cut that string, i realize how thick it really is and now it is ony with great effort that i am managing to let go. his last relapse was the figurative straw that broke this camel's back. he thinks i am being cruel, and perhaps i am as i enforce the boundary between unconditional support in his recovery and enabling him to stay as sick as he wants to be. i mean seriously calling someone who can return him to prison, just because he believes he needs something, is pretty sick. the worst part is that in the end, she will have hime hooked in again with her lies and the only thing she has left to give away. for me, i can where that particuar relationship will eventually end up, but i have finally come to the conclusion, that it is not my stuff. i have told him what i see, and it is up to him to decide if the instant gratification she offers is worth the eventual price he will pay.
the examples of my relationships that require mending could go on and on, the point is that i am learning what the difference is between being that one who believes in them and wants to help with their recovery and being the one that rescues them from themselves. today i am willing to allow myself to suggest and let go, to lead by example, even if no one is watching and to be a supporter of their recovery, nothing more and certainly nothing less. easy for me to say, while sitting on the bus, waiting at a stoplight, on my way to my current full-time gig. even i can let go, but i will see what happens when the phone rings and one of those i support decides to cross that boundary and ask for something more. it is after all an adventure iving in active recovery!
∞ DT ∞