Blog entry for:

when i find that **applying the principles** on my own power just is not working, i can practice what worked for me in the beginning: surrender. and the time has come for me to surrender to what i am feeling and allow myself the freedom to say what is really on my mind.
i know my entry for yesterday was more than a bit confusing, and that is the result of multitasking and not being present for either of the tasks i was trying to accomplish. this morning, i have let go of trying to do two things at once, at least for the moment and i can address the nature of the resentment that has been the theme over the past few days. that resentment is based on the anger i feel at watching someone i care for decide that the time of her demise is coming quickly and that she needs to prepare to leave a legacy behind. i have already watched one friend die, slowly and painfully from a disease that physically ravaged i tried to rescue him, but in the end, all i was allowed to do was to be there and help him let go and move forward into the unknown.
so here i sit, watching the same process over again, only this time, the end is far from certain, at least in the here and now, and i am angry at being forced to witness the self-destruction evident the behavior i see. and i forget that i am powerless, and that i need to surrender, regardless of what i said yesterday. my friend Jim fought for life to the very end, and refused to surrender to the inevitability of his demise, even after he was put into a place where no patient ever checks out from. as painful as that was for me to be a witness to, he earned my respect, even when though i thought that fighting for that last breath was beyond idiotic, he still did what he needed to do and i was there to witness that fight.
the anniversary of that day is upon me, and although part of the way i deny the pain i feel, is to not remember the exact date, i know it right around today.
but back to the here and now, this is so poignant today, because i am watching a similar process going on in another friend i love and respect. the difference is that her ultimate demise is not upon her, although she seems to act as if the grim reaper is knocking at her door. my reaction is every time i see evidence of this, i withdraw a bit further and get a bit more angry and nurse the resentment i feel at the disease being so active in her life. the evidence of that activity is in her behavior. the less respect she feels from me, the more she tries to command my respect. the less control she feels she has over me, the more she tries and control me. instead of asking for my time and talents she commands my presence and is confused when i rebel and chafe under her yoke. after all, friends do not treat friends that way.
what really sealed the deal for me, was that when given the opportunity to share about plans in service, being changed and the disappointment felt at that, she chose to share about events over twenty years ago, instead of events in the past ninety days. of course, i was hardly a spiritual giant in this matter, and i am certain i came off as abusive and mean-spirited, but i have a process for dealing with that and a sponsor who will help me see if i caused damage and what if any amends need to be made. as to the future of this relationship? well all things being equal, i doubt i will be able to engage her as a friend ever again. it saddens me to think that the woman i respected and admired when i first started this relationship has given up and is allowing herself to become irrelevant and isolated from those who love her most. why am i pulling away? because i refuse to be witness to a spiritual suicide. Jim, right up until he was no longer able to communicate coherently, was constantly worried that i did not see him as being clean or as in recovery, because of the dosage and strength of the medication he was taking to make the end of his life bearable. no matter how many times i told him that i understood, he was so very afraid of losing my respect that he withdrew socially from me, until he was powerless to do anything to prevent me from showing up at his bedside. and yet he still asked the same question, did i believed that he deserved to get the symbol of his continuous clean time. i was honest then, and i still to this day believe that he was in recovery to the end, and the infinity medallion he got shortly after that was well-earned even though he was filled with pain medication.
so in the here and now, i do believe that i am finally surrendering to the fact that i am powerless over my disease and the disease as it is manifest in others. i know withdrawal may not appear spiritual, but self-preservation is. pulling away, allowing my feelings to soften, and refusing to enable the destruction i see may be tough love, but i cannot rescue anyone, and if i allow myself to be swept into this drama, i too will die spiritually and today in the here and now, that is not an option i choose. i choose recovery -- the call to my sponsor is in and i am off to face reality and responsibility, and yes i will chafe and rebel if my presence is commanded, it is after all who i am.

∞ DT ∞