Blog entry for:

just is NOT working, i can practice what worked for me in the beginning:
SURRENDER.
yes, that awful, way more than four lettered word, that is at the core of my program of recovery. ironically, when i came here i had already done numerous surrenders, to my addiction, to the justice system, to the fact that i was doomed to fail, and yet i still maintained some INSANE notion that i had power and choice in all of those matters. in fact, even for the first eighteen months of my recovery journey, i still maintained that notion in the back of my head. it really was not until i worked the FIRST STEP with a sponsor from the fellowship that i call my home, that i got, it was not my uncontrollable use of substances that was the problem. no my problem was that i believed it was the substance and not the person that was at fault. after all, my experience was that across the course of a quarter century, i managed to skate by, with very few legal consequences, so much so, that in the end i had become reckless enough to get caught.
so it goes, the addict's lament, it was not my fault! it was my addiction, the people i was hanging with, society in general, my latest sexual conquest or anybody but me, who as at fault for my substance use. surrender is for sissies and real men, fight to the end. the litany of excuses and lies, can go on from there, but i am certain you get the point, arriving at that first surrender i needed to work the second FIRST STEP, was not a painless and instantaneous process. so to return after some time clean, seems kind of fruitless, after all, i have not use, i have worked steps, i understand the spiritual principles and in the long run i GET IT!
or do i?
sometimes i certainly live in a place of surrender to the program that has given me this life and sometimes, i forget where the power to stay clean comes from and what i NEED to do, to access that power. yes i MUST surrender to the fact that i am powerless over addiction and that the power to stay clean comes from the POWER that fuels my recovery. notice i side-stepped using the “G” word there, as that happens to be where i am these days. so as the day goes on, i will certainly remember who has power here and what i need to do to continue being hooked into that source. it is a great day to be clean and one that i hope will be as placid and uneventful as yesterday, which may be more of a curse than a blessing, after all, the King of Chaos still rules in part of me and he may want to pop out and stir some stuff up! all i have is today and i do surrender my will and my life into the care of the POWER that fuels my recovery.

∞ DT ∞