Blog entry for:

and complacency, certainly a succinct list for what may make this addict decide that this recovery gig is not paying off. this morning i need to tread very carefully, as what i feel and how i express it, may come off as ham-fisted, overbearing clap-trap. last night i received news that a peer had suddenly and tragically died. in the past, i was very close to him and due to some less than stellar behaviors, the two of us had drifted apart. he will be missed by the fellowship and i regret never being able to sit down and resolve the issues between us, as i am pretty sure he was clueless about when and where he “stepped on my toes.” &39;nuff said, i am sad this morning, not because i never found the opportunity to “clear the air,” but because i allowed myself to be swept away in a world of hurt, over what was a very small incident and even though it ended up on my 4TH STEP, by the time i did my 5TH, i had release that resentment.
as the result of events yesterday, i ended up being contacted by a peer that i would have to say i feel better for not having to interact with them. i may not have a resentment against them, but i certainly take steps to keep them from being part of my life and the pandemic has facilitated that action. this morning, i am wondering whether or not i would feel the same regret i feel, if they were to be permanently removed from my life. i have to admit i told a lie, as i hung up the phone, as i really do not “love” them and in my drowsy state echoed their sentiment. i find avoidance, in this case, to be my safest bet, as if i was asked, i would have to be honest and say that when i am around them i feel dirty, slimy and in need of a strong dose of spiritual antibiotics.
the difference between my feeling in these situations could not be more stark. one was a friend who once tromped on my ever so delicate feelings, the other, someone who blithely walks a selfish self-centered path under the guise of practicing spiritual principles. in my world, i CHOOSE not to hang with the “great unwashed” and as elitist as that may sound that, leaving that less than one percent to their own devices makes my life easier and more stress-free. as i surrender to how little power i have overt HOW i feel, i can accept that what i do with those feelings and how i decide to respond to them, is totally in my control. this morning i am sad, that a friend passed and i never took the time to let him know why i cooled off towards him. that is entirely on me. the positive part of this tragedy, at least for me, is to make sure i explore my final frontiers and make sure those people who are in my life and i want to remain in my life, know where we stand in our relationship. just as when i first got clean, i have to trust that i do not know who is going to give me that vital piece that will allow me to stay clean, just for today.

∞ DT ∞