˜ the problem is, i think i know enough about myself, addiction and recovery ˜
Posted: Wed, Jul 21, 2010 08:17:04 AM
AND i think that merely knowing is enough. it is a common affliction and one that i observe in relative newcomers as well as myself. although it may be true, that there are very few “new” ideas added to the pool of what i know about recovery, after the first ninety meetings or so. the reading stresses that the knowing this stuff and learning how to apply it are two totally different events or better put, processes.
the event was the day i first decided to come to recovery and surrender as much as i could back in the day to this program. i already had been around the program for nearly seven months, i had already been away to treatment, and i was till participating in ongoing outpatient treatment, so i was fVcking chock full of knowledge about what was needed, BUT i still managed to use, and quite honestly if i were to celebrate the day i actually came to recovery instead of the anniversary of the day i last used, i would have one thirteen months less clean time. being the loophole addict that i am, i was clean for those thirteen months, i did manage to work all twelve steps, in order and with a sponsor, so technically i can claim every second. being clean and being in recovery are two totally different things in my head, and perhaps one of these days i will shave off those 13 months and move my clean date to the date i accepted recovery as a way of life.
okay, it may sound like i am regretting my past, it is quite true, that in those days i was different sort of person. i am however quite confident in stating that the depth of my desire to recover today, comes from those thirteen months in limbo. in the world between active addiction and active recovery. when i see others living that ghostly existence, i want to shake them out of their complacency and wake them up to the reality of how much better it is choosing to live. the irony of that is, i am sure that there were members in the rooms at that time, that wanted to do the same thing for me, and just as that herculean task was impossible for them, so it is for me. all i can do is live my life, and lead by example. most importantly not fall into that trap again, believing that knowledge, which i have accumulated is equivalent to the wisdom attained from surrendering to the program day by fVcking day.
all of that brings me to here: what action do i take to keep myself living a program instead of just mouthing a program? well i do almost everything i did in those first thirteen months. i pray twice a day, only now i really pray to a POWER that i can relate to and in which i have a stake of ownership. i read the JFT reading every day, only now it is the seed for my morning meditation instead of something i read on the crapper before taking off to work. i take of daily inventory, but instead of answering the same questions by rote, i quiet myself and allow myself to reflect over the events of my day. i call a recovering addict, just to say hi, BUT when i need to, i let him know that i am hurting or angry or frustrated and allow him the freedom to do the same. i no longer play the game of looking good to him.
anyhow, i NEED to surrender to the march of time this morning and move into my workout. it is a good day to recover and it is a great day to remember that what i know about living is not the same as the practical knowledge i GET from living the program in real-time and not in theory. the theoretical, while nice, is insufficient to keep me clean another day.
the event was the day i first decided to come to recovery and surrender as much as i could back in the day to this program. i already had been around the program for nearly seven months, i had already been away to treatment, and i was till participating in ongoing outpatient treatment, so i was fVcking chock full of knowledge about what was needed, BUT i still managed to use, and quite honestly if i were to celebrate the day i actually came to recovery instead of the anniversary of the day i last used, i would have one thirteen months less clean time. being the loophole addict that i am, i was clean for those thirteen months, i did manage to work all twelve steps, in order and with a sponsor, so technically i can claim every second. being clean and being in recovery are two totally different things in my head, and perhaps one of these days i will shave off those 13 months and move my clean date to the date i accepted recovery as a way of life.
okay, it may sound like i am regretting my past, it is quite true, that in those days i was different sort of person. i am however quite confident in stating that the depth of my desire to recover today, comes from those thirteen months in limbo. in the world between active addiction and active recovery. when i see others living that ghostly existence, i want to shake them out of their complacency and wake them up to the reality of how much better it is choosing to live. the irony of that is, i am sure that there were members in the rooms at that time, that wanted to do the same thing for me, and just as that herculean task was impossible for them, so it is for me. all i can do is live my life, and lead by example. most importantly not fall into that trap again, believing that knowledge, which i have accumulated is equivalent to the wisdom attained from surrendering to the program day by fVcking day.
all of that brings me to here: what action do i take to keep myself living a program instead of just mouthing a program? well i do almost everything i did in those first thirteen months. i pray twice a day, only now i really pray to a POWER that i can relate to and in which i have a stake of ownership. i read the JFT reading every day, only now it is the seed for my morning meditation instead of something i read on the crapper before taking off to work. i take of daily inventory, but instead of answering the same questions by rote, i quiet myself and allow myself to reflect over the events of my day. i call a recovering addict, just to say hi, BUT when i need to, i let him know that i am hurting or angry or frustrated and allow him the freedom to do the same. i no longer play the game of looking good to him.
anyhow, i NEED to surrender to the march of time this morning and move into my workout. it is a good day to recover and it is a great day to remember that what i know about living is not the same as the practical knowledge i GET from living the program in real-time and not in theory. the theoretical, while nice, is insufficient to keep me clean another day.
∞ DT ∞