Blog entry for:

for everyone, including me!
alright i must admit it, these little dittys have been a bit light on content over the past few weeks, and while i could spin a thousand excuses, what it basically comes down to is this: mainly there is not a whole lot of chaos swirling around in my life, hence not a whole lot to wax poetically about. that condition has not changed today, but this reading did strike me as something that needed me to dive a bit deeper into what i am feeling and how those feelings affect my daily life.
it is true, i DO know something about recovery, the nature of this recovery program, a developing relationship with the POWER that fuels my recovery, and myself. it is also true, that much of what i did, nearly superstitiously back when i worked a FEAR based program, i still do today, in my HOPE based program. when one considers that statement, what i am struck with is, is this: have i truly replace superstition with reason? a rational person may think that some sort of experiment would be needed to test that supposition, and might design an such an exercise by cutting out part of the daily rituals and routines until the ultimate result occurred, namely that the subject of the experiment relapsed. such an experiment would also need a control subject that changed nothing to ensure that a similar result did not occur. well i am not quite willing to volunteer for that designed death trap yet. however, anecdotally, i have seen more than a few of my peers do a similar experiment and the results were not quite to their liking. i have seen only one, successfully control their using, and although that is far from the norm, what i do not have any data on, is those who are out there, after years in the program, using in a controlled manner and whose lives did not instantly spin down into ashes. they have in a sense graduated, and i wonder, from time to time, could i be one of those? what it really boils down to, is am i willing to test that out? the fact that i consider a life full of normal and sane using, is in and of itself a pretty crazy notion, as the other 85%, do not even understand the concept of controlled using. they use and they move on with their lives. if the experience was not to bad for them, they may in the future use again, but they more than likely will not arrange to use on their own.me, i would have to go into the situation with all sorts of constraints and trip wires in place, which seems to indicate that experiment would not produce results i would find palatable.
as interesting as this discussion may seem to me, it all comes down to, once again, to the admission to my innermost self, that i am an addict, and i cannot use like the other 85%, as there will never be enough and i will always want to get, just a little bit higher. knowing that, i can surrender once again to addiction and accept the help of the fellowship that has led me to the life i now wnjoy, just for today.

∞ DT ∞