Blog entry for:

doing what i did, way back when. the past twenty-four a few things have happened that make me believe that there is certainly a POWER working in my life, taking care of my NEEDS. without going through the litany of what changed, what happened and where i am now, in the long run, this morning i am a bit lighter, freer and certainly better suited for human company. in the course of my oh so human adventures yesterday, i heard one of the best rationalizations for NOT living life by the spiritual principles of the program i ascribe to follow.
the notion is that it is okay for me to work a “90-10” program. which means that i only need to follow any or all of these principles 90% of the time and the other 10% i can chalk up to being human and an addict to boot <sarcasm> what an excellent way out of my 12TH step and one i will need to speak to my sponsor about.</sarcasm> i really wanted to laugh out loud when i heard it, but decided that this was something i could ponder and decide if it was worth commenting upon at a later date. well after a bit of deliberation, that moment has come. other people are not me, but i know that if i set a goal for anything less than living a program 100% of the time, i will certainly end up at the end of my using story and the ending will NOT be “he lived happily ever after.” this is how that would work, if i accept that the best i can do is 90%, than what is preventing me from saying that i can only do 90% of that in a month or so. all of a sudden i am at 81%, and if that appears to difficult to achieve, well 72.9% is my next target. by setting a lower limit on how well i can do, the slide to never is well in progress, all because i accept that 90% is good enough. sure it may boost my self-esteem, but the long game is that i get sicker and sicker all the time.
how do i combat this notion of ever decreasing expectations of myself? will a little bit of surrender and commitment to myself to do this a bit better right here and right now. oh yeah, and a practice that i did not come to recovery with: a daily inventory! for me, as important as STEP ONE may be, STEP 10, save my bacon on a daily basis. when i discover that i am cool with only being 90% effective in my life, following my aspirations, doing what i want to do, i have the ability to look at what i did and why. telling a lie, even a “little white” is wrong, even if “everyone lies.” in my daily inventory i can check to see how well i applied the spiritual principles of the program and where i need to focus my efforts to improve my adherence to those principles. for me, living a 90% program is a big FAIL. i do not ascribe to the law of ever diminishing returns when it comes to my recovery. the changes wrought by my efforts, may appear to be more and more subtle, on a daily basis, but that is because i have come quite some distance from where i started out at.
surrendering to the unchanging fact that i am an addict, i am powerless to my addiction and i need to seek a POWER greater than myself and my addiction, is where this all starts. yes i have a day or two clean, 6888 days to be exact, but that does not mean i am less committed to doing what i know will further my personal growth and allow me to become something more than i ever imagined. that vision does not stop at 90%, which means i can accept that doing this gig 90% of the time is ever as good as it gets, today. i live out my intentions today, and when i fail, i own those as well and accept responsibility for them. just the way i roll, and i am grateful that was what i was taught was acceptable today. since i do not ascribe to a vision of eternal damnation if i fail to live up to my principles, i GET to live in the here and now and just do the next right thing, because it is the next right thing. if i shoot for that 100% of the time, i really will minimize my damage on the world around me, on myself and stay clean to start this all over again tomorrow. time to get rolling on down the road to see if my boss is okay with a 90-10 performance.

∞ DT ∞