Blog entry for:

i think i know it all that really makes the difference.
TAKE TWO
which i will take as a bit of spiritual editing of the content that i had started before a quick push of the wrong button wiped out all of my thoughts and my tirades about all the public wailing and gnashing of teeth over an event that happened yesterday.
yes it was tragic, and most positive and healing vibrations go out to the loved ones of those who were there and i my wishes go out to those who survived and are trying to reconcile such a heinous experience in the fabric that is their lives.
everyone else, do what you need to do TO get the fVck over it! there is no mystery here, no explanation and life is no darker or more violent than it was 48 hours ago. it happened, someone went nuts and technology allowed him to take it out in a very public and bloody manner, it is what it is, a random event of insane violence. for me, i find that if i dwell on something i have no power over today, and certainly had no power over in real-time, i LOSE and today, my peers and equals in recovery have taught me that i need not be a LOSER anymore. the addict within has more than enough ammunition to defeat me, IF i do not surrender to that fact and allow my recovery to be the balancing force. i am sure that there is some nut job, waiting inside me, for just the right minute to create a spiritual massacre within, and make me think that there is no way out -- so i might as well use. when i adjust my life to avoid all that i may FEAR, i have lost. when i just live my life, taking in the good with the bad, walking through dark places and facing my FEAR i WIN, and today that is what i want to do, WIN!
can i be omnipotent? well it certainly feels like that at times, in regards to my recovery process. i seem to think that i have learned all i need to know about recovery, GOD and myself. when as my FOURTH STEP has revealed i have a long way to go. there is still more of me to be revealed. there is still another angle on what this addiction vs recovery gig is all, about, and most importantly i have barely scraped the surface of the spiritual side of life. do i want to stop fighting, read surrender, just for to today to the FACT that i am an addict and i am POWERLESS? not really, BUT i know that is the path to my growth and serenity. i DO NOT want to be one of the sheep, who blindly follows the blow-dried and perfectly talking heads into the valley of despair. i want to be able to think for myself, face my FEAR of living and live in this moment, like it is my last, being present for what is going on, inside and outside of me.
it is, as it is supposed to be and the time has come to get ready to take care of living today, one day at a time, doing my best to be part of this world and not some sort of alien being, who just does not get it.
so off to the showers i go.

∞ DT ∞