Blog entry for:

...particular to those with clean time. i think i know something about recovery -- and i do. the problem is, that in reality, i never can know enough, after all, the part of me, that i call the disease of addiction also has access to that wealth of information. here is where the object lessons of those who have walked this path before really applies. i know that this would be wonderful opportunity to launch into a tirade about those very same people, but these days, i am finding less relief and more frustration when i do so. you know what? i do believe that i am finally beginning to surrender to the fact that they are who they are, i can rail and rant, but until they open their eyes to reality. i am powerless, and i need to move on.
so back to the topic at hand, surrendering to my addiction, just like i did way back when.
yes, i am becoming an ‘old timer’, as much as i hate to admit it. i hear myself saying stuff like "when i first got clean;" and "we have already tried that and…"
so i know that i have arrived, here is yet another fact that i must surrender to, i am an old-timer even though there are many who have much more clean time than i do. that certainly brings me back to the point, is my knowledge about myself, addiction and recovery, sufficient in and of itself to keep me clean, and more importantly living a program? do i continue to surrender on a daily basis to the fact that i am now and always will be an addict? do i believe that staying clean is paying off?
all of these questions, this mini-inventory is important to me, as the answers to each of those questions will provide a springboard into a discussion with my sponsor, about where to go from here.
although i would like to believe and i do delude myself into thinking that i have sufficient knowledge to stay clean and continue to recover, without the help of others. quite honestly, looking at others who believed that, what their behaviors look like, and how they treat others makes me want to run, as i can see myself doing the exact same things. the lie of self-sufficiency creeps into my conscious and unconscious thoughts because i have a long period of clean time so here is a place that i can focus on as i move forward into the last step of this step cycle.
do i surrender? well i do consciously make that surrender every day, but i also know that part of, finds that surrender redundant and impotent. that same part of me tells me that although all of that is nice, the evidence of my life is that i hardly need to do so every day, and why am i bothering to go through the motions when i have proved that i am no longer powerless over my addiction, after all when was the last time i chose to use? here is the subtle and dangerous part of me. as i am one of those, who looks at the preponderance of the evidence to support what i believe, for good or bad, when i look here i can quickly get into to trouble. how you may ask? because i focus on the narrowest and strictest definition of the symptoms of addiction -- namely my uncontrollable drug use, and although the was a day when that was a valid definition, that no longer applies. based on that i am not an addict, and the daily surrendering process is futile. as this goes directly to what i heard in the reading, this is an issue i need to address. looking at the evidence of addict behavior in my life, with the exception of active drug use, i can easily see that little has changed. i still want what i want, i still seek to change my feelings and i can quite easily revert into my small, selfish and self-centered world of finding the ways and means to satisfy my every desire. so without a doubt my daily surrender to the core belief that i am powerless over addiction is an act of FAITH that i need to continue and believe in.
the final question of payoff and rewards? well looking at my life today, contrasting it to what it was way back when, the answer is self-evident. YES, YES a thousand times YES, just based on the outside appearances. if i do an inside check of the gifts i have received emotionally and spiritually as well, well there is no doubt that daily surrender does pay off. yes i know staying clean is in and of itself, reward enough to continue, but every now and then, it is nice to be grateful for all the rest of that stuff, and i am. knowing the source and knowing how to keep that gravy train rolling, means that i have to continue to do what i did that very first time -- SURRENDER DAMMIT!
so i guess this reluctant old-timer needs to say that i am grateful that i can still surrender and as i move forward into Step 12, i can find the ways and means to make those things that i did way back then, relevant to my recovery in the here and now. so it is time to go take my daily tour of the neighborhood and see what i can get done today.

∞ DT ∞