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is not so therapeutic, when I run my life on self-will. The problem as stated in the reading, is that it is quite true, that with a bit of clean time, I do have some knowledge about how this recovery gig works for me. After a trip or two through the steps, most of the **biggies** have been dealt with, one way or another. Most of all, I have a bit of wisdom about what I can and cannot change. When I get to this reading each year, I have to pause and consider whether I am living in self-will or not? Have I decided that at least on some level that I have “graduated” from needing to do all the stuff that I have done since the day I finally became a member of the fellowship that has given me this life? When I honestly answer those questions, I have to say that is a definite maybe.
This morning as I sit in a hotel room in Montana, recovering, as it were from a bout of eating far too much food, interacting with far too many people and being “on” for the past thirty-six hours, I know that I am still dedicated to the proposition of living a life of active recovery. Watching my family members sink into their “cups” last night, I had flashbacks of what it was once like for me and them. No wonder I spent so much time avoiding them and telling myself that they were not my “type” of people, when what was really going on, was that I was embarrassed by what happens to me once I take that first&helip;
So I am okay this morning, getting ready to trip over to Bozeman and hang with just my cousins this evening before heading home. As this day unfolds, I will get to ponder what it is that I need to surrender. Sure I can and do surrender to the fact that I am an addict, that is a fact of my life and has been for longer than I care to admit. Recovery had opened my eyes to the fact that even though I have thousands of days clean, I could stop for a quick beer at any time. In fact, last night, at the wedding I could smell the beers and seriously wanted “just a taste.” I see the insanity in that thought, last night I was willing to convince myself that alcohol was not a drug and that I was immune to the effects of alcohol on my addiction. Today, I am okay knowing that I am an addict and need to surrender to the program of recovery, just for today.

∞ DT ∞