Blog entry for:

wounds may never fully heal, they do not run my life -- or my relationships with others, with my body, and with the world in which i live. in the past, i have often opined about living a big lie that i created due to something my Mom did to me when i was only five. she died without ever making things right with me, but i no longer carry the weight of that resentment. the wound i felt and internalized, was an event. creating the lie by which i lived was a process that i jumped in with both feet and carried forward to its inevitable conclusion -- i had to hide who i was, because i was unfit and way too broken to be seen by anyone else. i would love to say that i no longer feel the pain of the event or living that lie for decades on end, but that is far from true. what is true, is that i have forgiven my Mom, i am forgiving myself and i have let go of the resentment that kept me trapped for so long. i know what it is like to live with the self-inflicted pain and i know the relief that comes from letting go and allowing myself to heal.
this morning, as i interacted with my spouse, i found myself getting more than a bit put off by her care for me. she would not allow me to move a ladder because it weighed more than ten pounds and was adamant about me not going for an afternoon cigar. she rolled her eyes when i said i was going to clean up the front yard hail detritus, for similar reasons, she wants me to heal from my surgery and i feel like i am already most of the way there. as a compromise. i allowed her to move the ladder and am not going out for cigars this afternoon. i understand her concerns BUT i am not an invalid either. so maintain a bit of serenity and foster our relationship, i will allow her to care for me and i will take care of what i want to take care of, as long as it falls within the parameters the medical profession has set for me. their advice feels based on a sixty-seven year old who is not concerned about his fitness, in fairly good shape and who summited Kilimanjaro less than five months ago.
i am doing well, no swelling, the pain is subsiding and i am getting at least four miles of power walking in, every single day. right here and right now, i am going to pull out my laptop computer and play my computer game to let go of what is not and dive into a bit of fantasy competition.

∞ DT ∞