Blog entry for:

anything, that says,**i surrender.** as always, when this reading rolls around, i am in this mode of looking at my program and evaluating what, if anything, has changed over the past year. once again, i berate myself internally, for not being spiritual, rich or healthy enough and bemoan that fact that i am powerless over addiction and its many manifestations in my life. in fact it is not unusual for me to stop and look at my recovery life and wonder if the time has come to shuffle off to some sort of different lifestyle, not necessarily using, but maybe go looking for something else and step away from meeting service and sponsorship, by rejoining the so-called “normal” world.
the fantasy that somehow, i have worked enough steps, i am after all stalled on starting on my 5TH round, or that i have enough days clean, i can walk away from living a program of recovery is very appealing to me. step work, meeting attendance, sponsorship, service work, all take resources, mostly my time, and perhaps all that time i spend there would better serve me in another activity, after all…
i get that notion is pure fantasy for someone like me, i see many of my peers, do the shuffle away, and when i encounter them again, i am hardly surprised by the results, even if they are still clean, they do not seem to have anything i desire, and all they have that i may need is the example of what could be my fate. that's not to say every person who walks away from recovery is going to become a miserable wretch, just seems that those i encounter who are on the outside looking in, do so. for me, i take it not to bode well for my future serenity, and so i stick with what i have been doing since i first got clean, even though when i started doing it, i had no FAITH that it was going to work.
which brings me back to where i am right here and right now, coming to terms with surrender once again and actually doing some work on my 1ST STEP. it is not that i lack the willingness to do so, it just feels as if i lack the desire to do so. the fire that was once burning down my house has been tamped down to the point, that i no longer feel the urgency to extinguish it. i am suffering form “old-timers” and am forgetting what it was like in those first eighteen months of the twilight zone. i see all around me the results of pondering, balking and unwillingness and yet i consider myself somehow immune, after all i have all these consecutive days clean.
just to clarify something, for me to use the phrase “after all” is no different than using the word “BUT.” using that phrase is the means to make a rationalization sound more rational and dismiss everything that came before it and carry on as if nothing was amiss or out of place. where i seem to be going this morning, is that i want to be more than i currently am, and for me, that appears to be the path that has brought me here. perhaps it is time to let go, surrender and walk through my fear of what i may find, after all…

∞ DT ∞