Blog entry for:

...may attempt the same behavior in recovery. i quickly find out it does not work. the insane part is even though i know that, i still wander down this path every now and again. the siren song of abdication of responsibility and then the ability to shift blame is just too strong to resist some days. and in the long run, it is me who ends up dealing with the consequences anyhow, BUT, i can say well it is not my fault after all…
understanding the lure of this particular maelstrom and avoiding it entirely is what the reading speaks to me about this morning. responsibility for anything was not part of my agenda when i came to recovery, and i resisted accepting responsibility for as long as i could. patience on the part of my first sponsor, and a tiny bit of willingness on my part, finally got me to the point where i was willing to think about accepting responsibility for my life, my decisions and my recovery. in fact, when i got to STEP THREE, i thought great, now that i have started to see that maybe i need to accept responsibility for my decisions and life, i have to turn them over to a concept that was beyond my ability to sense or understand. BUT, i can do it, after all, if there is a HIGHER POWER, and if i turn my will and my life over to that POWER, then when things go wrong, as they are wont to do, i can blame that concept, show this whole recovery gig to be a farce and walk away from the whole freak show without any regrets. after all, i did everything i was told to do and it still failed to work out.
a nice neat piece of sophistry there, if i do say so myself, and i do. i soon discovered that working the THIRD STEP, did not relieve me of the burden of making decisions, DANG IT. waiting for the loving and caring POWER to do that, forced me into making decisions by default, and that was even worse than making decisions on my own. i could accept i was powerless, and i could accept i had little control, BUT there were areas were i could have a bit of power and that was in making decisions that needed to be made on a daily basis. not that i consistently made good ones, however accepting that responsibility taught me that there are rewards to growing up and allowing myself to take responsibility, like the satisfaction of seeing the fruits of my decisions to be sweet and when they were sour, take that as a growth experience to add into the mix the next time that decision came down the pike.
anyhow, it is a much better day than yesterday, i do have one bad decision to make up for, from yesterday’s less than perfect day, but i do not regret making that decision at all, i will just man up and accept the consequences. so off to the workout and into this gray and foggy morning.

∞ DT ∞