Blog entry for:

analyze my behavior and identify my shortcomings, rather than taking my own personal inventory? of course, that way they can be dismissed as shallow, not insightful and more than likely wrong. shifting blame and creating plausible deniability was part of the game i played in active addiction, and although i have some clean time, i still know how to work the smoke and mirrors. shifting responsibility is just small facet of all the energy i put into not looking as bad as i think i am. yes, that is a switch, as i discovered last night in my STEP WORK, it is not necessarily about looking good, as i thought it was, it really is all about not looking bad.
shifting the blame for my responsibilities, is something i know well, and as my sponse has often said , it is not old behavior IF i continue to engage in it. it may be undesirable, or familiar, but it is current behavior and needs to be labelled as such. calling something an old behavior, is just another way i can shift the blame for not taking my responsibility seriously. crying about how so and so, did such and such to me, is yet another way to do the same thing. any time i step out of the present tense, by denying myself the opportunity to stand-up for myself and accept the responsibility for my life, i am marching down the path to active addiction again. i cannot speak for anyone else, but this morning i am fed up and exhausted playing the victim to addiction and shifting the blame to anything else but me. you, all of you, have my permission to do the same, not that you necessarily need any permission from me, but if that is the case i will take responsibility for making the decision that YOU need to take responsibility for your recovery. as i sit here, trying to get back on track and looking at the minutes tick away, i wonder where i really need to be. i slipped from being present to thinking about work and the drive over there and the addicts in the room who i have heard share over the past few days and anything but writing about how i can take responsibility for my recovery. honestly, that is coming down to a real0-time process, and of course i NEED to be present for what is going on. i do know this, this morning, there are some names that i need to finish becoming willing to make direct amends, left on my list. i am now much closer to my sponse than ever before and as i walk through today, the answer to the assignment will be presented to me, if i allow it to be.
so it is off to the showers and over to Boulder i go, it is a great day to be clean.

∞ DT ∞